IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that having a set retirement age (e.g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree? Which type of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement?

#people #retirement #age #e #g #years #everybody #occupation #workers #pension #type #benefit
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Pension is one of the most crucial benefits of after-work advantages. In many countries, the
age
 of retirement is pre-defined by the authorities and
law makers
Correct your spelling
lawmakers
show examples
. A certain segment of individuals argues that a certain category of
workers
 should be retired at their earliest phase of
life
. I raise my hand to the folks who support
this
 notion and I will elaborate on my stance in the ensuing paragraphs supported by logical reasoning and relevant examples. Analyzing the statement and explaining
further
, the first and foremost reason to support my statement is
physical
Add an article
the physical
show examples
 and mental well-being of
workers
. There are certain types of jobs, which require intense physical labour,
such
 as construction,
carpenter
Replace the word
carpentry
show examples
, warehouse packaging and many other jobs. It becomes difficult for
such
 type or
workers
 to produce
same
Change the article
the same
show examples
 amount of output
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their 60’s as compared to 30’s.
Moreover
, having
employed
Add a missing verb
been employed
show examples
 at hospitals and secret agencies, employees find it unmanageable to lighten up the same amount of concentration and dedication at
older
Add an article
an older
show examples
age
.
However
, by providing benefits at
early
Add an article
an early
show examples
age
, it can increase the probability of opportunities for young and
deserve
Wrong verb form
deserving
show examples
 people to fill
required
Add an article
the required
a required
show examples
position
Fix the agreement mistake
positions
show examples
,
hence
encourage
Wrong verb form
encouraging
show examples
 them to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 their dreams at
early
Add an article
an early
show examples
age
. Moving
further
, people who work in
National
Correct article usage
the National
show examples
 army and indulge in physical labour should benefit from early retirement.
For instance
, an army officer spent most of his
life
to serve
Change the verb form
serving
show examples
country
Correct article usage
the country
show examples
 and people. Having retirement benefits at
earliest
Correct article usage
the earliest
show examples
 phase can give
liberty
Correct pronoun usage
them liberty
show examples
 and freedom to spend
rest
Correct article usage
the rest
show examples
 of their
life
 with families and relatives.
Moreover
, it would provide a golden opportunity
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 employees to work on interests and hobbies to pursue
theirs
Correct the word
their
show examples
 dreams after working relentlessly for
entire
Correct pronoun usage
their entire
show examples
life
.
To conclude
, countries should take measures to enforce laws for the conduct of superannuation at
early
Add an article
an early
show examples
age
 for specific fields for the well-being of
workers
 and to let humans
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
enjoy
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 rest of
life
 with families and by involving in some kind of areas of
interests
Fix the agreement mistake
interest
show examples
.
Submitted by parneetkaur22121998 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Structure
Ensure your essay has a clear structure, including distinct paragraphs for the introduction, main body, and conclusion. Use linking words to connect your ideas more effectively.
Linking
Enhance cohesion by using a wider range of linking phrases to show contrast, cause and effect, and to add information.
Clarity
Demonstrate clear and comprehensive ideas by providing detailed examples and explanations to support your statements.
Depth
For an even stronger response, consider addressing counterarguments to enhance the depth of your essay.
Examples
You have provided specific examples to support your argument, which strengthens your essay.
Task Response
Overall, your essay clearly addresses the task and offers relevant arguments to support your viewpoint.
Structure
Your introduction and conclusion are well-constructed, framing your essay effectively.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: