IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion?

#people #violence #television #computer #games #effect #society #factors #influence #behaviour
These days the amount of
violence
 in
media
 is
grown
Wrong verb form
growing
show examples
.
While
 some
people
argued
Wrong verb form
argue
show examples
 that
Violence
 on both television and in computer
games
 has
uneffectiveness
Correct your spelling
ineffectiveness
 factors on the community, others believe that there are
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
drawbacks of
this
 on the
characterstics
Correct your spelling
characteristics
 and behaviours of
people
. In
this
 essay, I will discuss the negative effects of
media
 on
people
. In my point of view, I
am strongly agree
Change the verb form
strongly agree
show examples
 with the first part of the
arrgument
Correct your spelling
argument
. Taking a near glance at the impact of watching
violence
 in different types of
media
such
 as television and computer
games
, It has several negative effects on all categories of
society
.
Firstly
,
people
 often copy
action
Fix the agreement mistake
actions
show examples
 that they see on TV.
In other words
,
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 of
people
esspeciaaly
Correct your spelling
especially
 youth and children
immitiate
Correct your spelling
immediate
imitate
 TV shows without thinking
to
Change preposition
about
show examples
 its bad effect on their behaviour or
society
.
For instance
, Children who watch Tom and Jerry chasing each other
nd
Correct your spelling
and
show examples
 using fire can do
this
 with their friends.
Moreover
, it will
leads
Change the verb form
lead
show examples
 to more
violence
 and problems in
society
 owing to just
do
Wrong verb form
doing
show examples
 the same actions
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 others. Another negative
impcat
Correct your spelling
impact
 is that violent video
games
 teach
people
 that aggressiveness is normal in everyday life.
In other words
, Watching
violence
 in the
games
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to more
familiar
Replace the word
familiarity
show examples
 with
this
 type of actions and
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
people
 not
affect
Wrong verb form
affected
show examples
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 actions as it is normal. As
aresult
Correct your spelling
a result
,
people
used
Add a missing verb
are used
show examples
 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
violence
 and wish to see it at any place without taking any action.
For example
, young
people
spend
Correct pronoun usage
who spend
show examples
 long hours
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
playing war video
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
 could practice these deals with their friends and
classmate
Fix the agreement mistake
classmates
show examples
 without thinking.As
Correct article usage
a aconsquence
show examples
aconsquence
Correct your spelling
consequence
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 all of
this
, a tided connection
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
between
violence
 and
media
 would affect the whole
society
.
To sum up
,
violence
 is a result of
Correct article usage
the immitation
show examples
immitation
Correct your spelling
imitation
 of watching programs or playing video
games
.
In addition
, there is a significant relationship between
media
 and growing
viollence
Correct your spelling
violence
 in
society
.
Submitted by monahhj123 on

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task achievement
Try to clarify and expand your ideas further to strengthen your argument. Providing more detailed examples and explaining their significance could help.
coherence cohesion
Carefully check for spelling and grammatical errors to improve the overall readability of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Work on structuring your paragraphs more clearly. Begin with a topic sentence, follow with supporting details, and conclude with a final statement that ties back to your main argument.
task achievement
You have good ideas, but sometimes they feel a bit rushed. Taking the time to develop each point fully will make your arguments stronger and more convincing.
task achievement
You did a good job introducing the topic and providing a clear opinion in your introduction.
task achievement
You managed to provide examples to support your points, which is great for illustrating your arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pivotal
  • desensitize
  • catalyst
  • predisposed
  • harmless outlet
  • distinguish
  • controlled environments
  • empirical research
  • minimal or no direct correlation
  • socio-economic status
  • predisposition
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