IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

Should wealthy people be obliged to share their financial success with poor people by supporting health services and education, or is this the responsibility of the poor to improve their own standard of living?

#people #success #health #services #education #responsibility
I believe that wealthy
people
 should be obliged to share their wealth with poorer
people
. But they should not have to support health services and education only, but other areas if they prefer. First of all, we cannot avoid
people
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are poor. As an example, we see homeless in the train station, at the bus stops and asking us for
money
. Rich
people
 have extra
money
 and
therefore
, they should give some help to
people
 with no housing and
money
.
Secondly
, many
people
 now are not finding jobs or
although
 they are working, they
are
Verb problem
do
show examples
 not
having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 enough
money
 to pay for
his
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 houses or flats
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 in city-living which has a high cost of living now.
For example
,
people
 living in London are working at
low income
Add a hyphen
low-income
show examples
 salaries but the cost of living is so
higher
Correct word choice
high
show examples
in contrast
.
Therefore
, it is difficult for these
people
 to have extra
money
 for extra things.
Submitted by huiloksumstephanie on

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development
Develop your ideas more fully by providing more detailed examples or explanations in each paragraph. This will help strengthen your arguments.
structure
Consider adding a conclusion to your essay to summarize your main points and restate your position. This will provide a clear closure to your argument.
content
Try to expand the range of areas where wealthy people can help beyond just health services and education to make your argument more comprehensive.
examples
You have effectively used examples to support your arguments, such as the difficulty of living in London with a low income. This makes your essay more persuasive.
organization
Your essay is well-organized, with a clear introduction and logical progression of ideas, which helps make your argument clear and easy to follow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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