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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.
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The bar chart illustrates the proportion of Australian people who did regular physical activity in various age groups by
genders
Fix the agreement mistake
gender

It seems that genders may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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 in 2010.
Overall
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, what stands out from the graph is that females did more physical activity compared to males.
Furthermore
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, men were more likely to do physical exercise between the ages of 15 and 24. Looking into detail, in 15-24,
while
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 the percentage of meb doing exercise was 52.8, the figure for women was just below 50%.
However
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, females between 25 and 34 were more willing to sports activities than males, 48.9% and 42.2%, respectively.
Likewise
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, the proportion of women between 35-44 was higher than men with 52.5% and 39.5%, respectively. In terms of older people, from 45 to
64
Add a comma
64,

It appears that you are missing a comma after the introductory phrase from 45 to 64. Consider adding a comma.

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 the percentages of women doing physical activity were almost the same around 53% and the figures for men were approximately equal( just above a half).
Moreover
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, the figures for both genders
in
Change preposition
apply

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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65 and over were roughly equal (just below one in two).

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "just below" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Regular exercise
  • Age demographics
  • Participation rate
  • Trend analysis
  • Gender disparity
  • Health initiatives
  • Public health policies
  • Statistical comparison
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Work commitments
  • Age-related factors
  • Preventative health
  • Exercise habits
  • Surveillance data
  • Motivators and barriers
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