IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Nowadays, children watch a lot of TV and play video games. However, some think that these activities are not beneficial for a child’s mental health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Some people think that watching
a
Correct article usage
apply
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TV
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 and playing video
games
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 are not beneficial for the mental
health
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 of
children
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. I strongly agree with the statement because spending
excessive
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an excessive
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 amount of
time
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on
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apply
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watching
TV
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 instils
the
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apply
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negative thoughts into a child's brain, and online gaming prevents
children
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 from having physical activities that are important for their mental
growth
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. Spending a longer period of
time
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 on
TV
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 means remaining attuned to the flow of information being depicted.
This
Linking Words
 teaches
children
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 the bad and good aspects of the society.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
children
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's minds are more vulnerable, and they are at an impressionable age. So, they are unable to differentiate the good and bad things that they watch
from
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on
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a
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apply
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TV
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, leading their minds towards imbibing negative aspects
such
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 as robbery, nudity, crimes and so on.
Such
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 negative
learnings
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learning
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 inhibits a
childs'
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child's
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 mental
growth
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due to
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 the
lackness
Correct your spelling
lack
 of
positive
Add an article
a positive
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 mindset.
For example
Linking Words
, those
children
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 who watch more
TV
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, specifically
age restricted
Add a hyphen
age-restricted
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 videos, and lack support from their parents are less likely to maintain their mental
health
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 under control. The primary reason why playing video
games
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 is not helpful for the mental
health
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 of
children
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 is the lack of physical movement. Sitting on a chair for
prolonged
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a prolonged
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 period prevents
children
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 from performing outdoor
games
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 and other activities that are imperative for
the
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apply
show examples
mental
health
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. These days
children
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 spend excessive
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
 of
time
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on
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apply
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playing computer
games
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, which not only lacks
the
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apply
show examples
mental
growth
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 but
also
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an
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the
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overall
Linking Words
 development of a child.
For instance
Linking Words
, it is scientifically
proved
Correct your spelling
proven
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 that any kind of physical
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
 helps us improve mental wellbeing.
Thus
Linking Words
, I think that watching
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
TV
Use synonyms
 and playing online
games
Use synonyms
 are not beneficial for the mental
health
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 of youth. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 watching
a
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apply
show examples
TV
Use synonyms
 and playing video
games
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 may seem important for the
growth
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 of
children
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, I think that performing these activities for a longer period of
time
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 is not beneficial for a child's mental
wellbeing
Correct your spelling
well-being
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 because a
TV
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 caters
negative
Change preposition
to negative
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 aspects of the society , and sitting for over hours means lack of
phyical
Correct your spelling
physical
 exercises that are vital for the mental
health
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
Consider diversifying your examples to strengthen your argument. While you provided relevant examples, incorporating a wider range of instances or adding more detail can enrich your argument further.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence, aim to link ideas more smoothly within paragraphs. Utilising a variety of transitional phrases can improve the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to repetition in your vocabulary. Expanding your lexical resource with synonyms and related terms can prevent repetition and make your essay more engaging.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively frame your argument.
task achievement
You present a strong stance and consistently support it throughout your essay, demonstrating good task achievement.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • cognitive development
  • exposure to violence
  • addiction
  • reduced physical activity
  • hand-eye coordination
  • strategic thinking
  • multitasking skills
  • moderation
  • parental guidance
  • balanced approach
  • screen time
  • social interaction
  • sense of community
  • social skills
  • social isolation
  • alternative activities
  • outdoor activities
  • family interaction
  • mental health issues
  • educational programs
  • problem-solving games
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