IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Nowadays, children watch a lot of TV and play video games. However, some think that these activities are not beneficial for a child’s mental health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#children #tv #video #games #think #activities #child’s #health
Some people think that watching
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
TV
 and playing video
games
 are not beneficial for the mental
health
 of
children
. I strongly agree with the statement because spending
excessive
Add an article
an excessive
show examples
 amount of
time
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching
TV
 instils
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
negative thoughts into a child's brain, and online gaming prevents
children
 from having physical activities that are important for their mental
growth
. Spending a longer period of
time
 on
TV
 means remaining attuned to the flow of information being depicted.
This
 teaches
children
 the bad and good aspects of the society.
Moreover
,
children
's minds are more vulnerable, and they are at an impressionable age. So, they are unable to differentiate the good and bad things that they watch
from
Change preposition
on
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
TV
, leading their minds towards imbibing negative aspects
such
 as robbery, nudity, crimes and so on.
Such
 negative
learnings
Fix the agreement mistake
learning
show examples
 inhibits a
childs'
Change noun form
child's
show examples
 mental
growth
due to
 the
lackness
Correct your spelling
lack
 of
positive
Add an article
a positive
show examples
 mindset.
For example
, those
children
 who watch more
TV
, specifically
age restricted
Add a hyphen
age-restricted
show examples
 videos, and lack support from their parents are less likely to maintain their mental
health
 under control. The primary reason why playing video
games
 is not helpful for the mental
health
 of
children
 is the lack of physical movement. Sitting on a chair for
prolonged
Correct article usage
a prolonged
show examples
 period prevents
children
 from performing outdoor
games
 and other activities that are imperative for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mental
health
. These days
children
 spend excessive
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
 of
time
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
playing computer
games
, which not only lacks
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mental
growth
 but
also
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
overall
 development of a child.
For instance
, it is scientifically
proved
Correct your spelling
proven
show examples
 that any kind of physical
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
 helps us improve mental wellbeing.
Thus
, I think that watching
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
TV
 and playing online
games
 are not beneficial for the mental
health
 of youth. In conclusion,
although
 watching
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
TV
 and playing video
games
 may seem important for the
growth
 of
children
, I think that performing these activities for a longer period of
time
 is not beneficial for a child's mental
wellbeing
Correct your spelling
well-being
show examples
 because a
TV
 caters
negative
Change preposition
to negative
show examples
 aspects of the society , and sitting for over hours means lack of
phyical
Correct your spelling
physical
 exercises that are vital for the mental
health
.
Submitted by gauravkalathiya123 on

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task achievement
Consider diversifying your examples to strengthen your argument. While you provided relevant examples, incorporating a wider range of instances or adding more detail can enrich your argument further.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence, aim to link ideas more smoothly within paragraphs. Utilising a variety of transitional phrases can improve the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to repetition in your vocabulary. Expanding your lexical resource with synonyms and related terms can prevent repetition and make your essay more engaging.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively frame your argument.
task achievement
You present a strong stance and consistently support it throughout your essay, demonstrating good task achievement.
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