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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.
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The graph below depicts
2010
Correct article usage
the 2010
show examples
 rate of men and
women
Use synonyms
 who did regular physical
activity
Use synonyms
 in Australia in 2010, grouped by
age
Use synonyms
. As is observed from the chart,
although
Linking Words
 the majority of men
Use synonyms
age
Wrong verb form
aged
show examples
 between 15 to 24, do regular physical
activity
Use synonyms
, in the later
age
Use synonyms
 group
women
Use synonyms
 have
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 higher percentage. Australian male’s percentage of
doing
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
daily exercise is the highest
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
Use synonyms
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
 15 to 24,
by
Change preposition
at
show examples
 52.8 %.
However
Linking Words
, it’s dropping gradually to the second and third
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
, by 42.2 and 39.5 %, respectively. Over
age
Use synonyms
 45, exercise rates rebound and rise steadily, with 43.1 %. 45.1 % for
Use synonyms
Correct pronoun usage
those age
show examples
age
Wrong verb form
aged
show examples
 55 to 64, and 46.7 % for
over
Correct determiner usage
those over
show examples
 65 years old.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
australian
Change the capitalization
Australian
show examples
women
Use synonyms
 have a different pattern. At the start of the timeframe, only 47.7 % do regular physical
activity
Use synonyms
. It slowly
increase
Wrong verb form
increased
show examples
 and peaked in
age
Use synonyms
 45 to 54 with 53.3 %.
However
Linking Words
, it’s slowly declining and
at the end
Linking Words
 of the timeframe, the percentage of
women
Use synonyms
 doing regular physical
activity
Use synonyms
 is only 47.1 %.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
▼
Contractions: Don't use contractions.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words women, activity, age with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slowly" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Regular exercise
  • Age demographics
  • Participation rate
  • Trend analysis
  • Gender disparity
  • Health initiatives
  • Public health policies
  • Statistical comparison
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Work commitments
  • Age-related factors
  • Preventative health
  • Exercise habits
  • Surveillance data
  • Motivators and barriers
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