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Band 5.5

More and more city workers are deciding to live in the country and travel into work every day. The result is increased traffic congestion and damage to the environment. What measures do you think could be taken to encourage people not to travel such long distances into work?

#city #workers #country #travel #work #traffic #congestion #damage #environment #measures #people #distances
In these modern days, some individuals choose to live in the
suburban
Replace the word
suburbs
show examples
 and go to
work
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
long distances every single day, resulting in traffic
jam
Fix the agreement mistake
jams
show examples
 and
produce
Wrong verb form
producing
show examples
 more air pollution. In
this
 essay, I will discuss the possible solutions to suggest people not to commute
such
 long
journey
Fix the agreement mistake
journeys
show examples
 to
work
. One of the
the
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
biggest
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
, that caused
this
 is the surge
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 property prices in the
urbans
Change the capitalization
Urbans
show examples
.
Consequently
, the price of household rent is too expensive for most of the city workers.
Furthermore
, it's cheaper to travel back and forth from the countryside
instead
 of
live
Change the verb form
living
show examples
 in the city. Even though it's exhausting to travel
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
such
 distances, it's the only choice they have. Possible solutions to tackle
this
 problem are for
Correct article usage
the govenment
show examples
govenment
Correct your spelling
government
 to provide more affordable household rent and control the surge of
residences
Change the noun form
residence
show examples
 prices in the city.
Government
Correct article usage
The government
show examples
 need to limit the number of
properties
Change the noun form
property
show examples
 ownership. In Indonesia, older generations think that house ownership
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 the best investment.
Therefore
, the quantity of
household
Fix the agreement mistake
households
show examples
 are more limited,
thus
 the increased prices. The other solution is for corporate,
providing
Change the verb form
to provide
show examples
 an option to
work
 remotely, and not oblige urban workers to
work
 in the office. By the event of
COVID-19
Add a comma
COVID-19,
show examples
 a lot of office workers had to
work
 from home,
because
Correct word choice
and because
show examples
 of
this
 the traffic in Jakarta
are more
Verb problem
was
show examples
smooth
Replace the word
smoother
show examples
 and the amount of pollution
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
decreased. In conclusion,
this
 kind of issue
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 complex and
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
show examples
 several
group
Change to a plural noun
groups
show examples
 to solve
this
 problem. I believe that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the cooperation of
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 to control households and
corporate
Replace the word
corporations
show examples
 to bring more flexible
work
arrangement
Fix the agreement mistake
arrangements
show examples
 would encourage people not to travel far distances
into
Change preposition
to
show examples
work
.
Submitted by ridhokholis9a on

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Language Accuracy
Be cautious with spelling and use of articles (e.g., "a surge in property prices," "the countryside," "the government") to ensure clarity and correctness.
Language Variety
Consider diversifying your sentence structures and vocabulary to enrich your essay and more effectively engage the reader.
Argument Strength
Integrate examples and evidences more explicitly to strengthen your arguments and make your points more convincing.
Topic Relevance
Your essay addresses the topic directly, offering practical solutions that are well explained.
Structure
You successfully organize your essay with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion, which enhances its readability and coherence.
Example Use
The use of Indonesia as a specific example adds a valuable real-world context to your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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