IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The leaders of most organizations tend to be older people. However, some argue that younger people make better bosses. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Traditionally, most of the companies, MNC’s and other organizations offer the executive positions to elder
people
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.
However
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,
their
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there
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 exists a quarrel that younger folks are best leaders. I unequivocally agree that older
people
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 are
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
better
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then
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than
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 young
people
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, as they have more in-depth knowledge and experience.
To begin
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 with, a global shift can be observed where
spiking
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a spiking
the spiking
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 number of companies are being managed by younger
people
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 and it sometimes leads to temporary or sometimes permanent
unstability
Correct your spelling
instability
 of companies performance. One profound reason should be risk
taking
Verb problem
risk-taking
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 nature of young
people
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 and lack of
real world
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real-world
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 experience. Young
people
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 have
fresh
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a fresh
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 perspective,
modern
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and modern
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 way of decision making which leads them to think out of the box,
this
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 occasionally may benefit the organizations but may
sometime
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sometimes
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 cause an arm and a leg.
For instance
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, Elon Musk’s own statements
couple
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a couple
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 of times caused Tesla’s
stockmarket
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stock market
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 share to face
major
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a major
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 dip.
Additionally
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, achieving
powerful
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a powerful
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 position at
young
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a young
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 age can make them
egostic
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egoistic
egotistic
.
Hence
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,
effecting
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affecting
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 their decision-making ability.
On the other hand
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, older
people
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 have dealt with
plethora
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a plethora
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 of ups and downs in their
career
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careers
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 which
boost
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boosts
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 their situational awareness
results
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and results
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 in building quick and effective
decision making
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decision-making
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 abilities. Older
people
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had
Wrong verb form
have
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 already learnt and know the best way to handle a situation, whether taking a bold,
straight forward
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straightforward
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 decision or
proceed
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proceeding
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 with
slow
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a slow
the slow
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 and conservative approach.
For example
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, it can be observed some of the most powerful organizations like Blackrock and Vanguard are being managed by relatively older
people
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.
Moreover
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,
as
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apply
show examples
with
time
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time,
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 their knowledge
keep
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keeps
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 developing, making them
for
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apply
show examples
suitable for higher positions within
organization
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the organization
an organization
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. In a nutshell, older
people
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 are suitable for executive positions
due to
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 their conservative approach toward
organization
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organisational
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 growth and
extensive
Correct article usage
the extensive
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real world
Add a hyphen
real-world
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 experience they bring with them
on
Change preposition
to
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 the table.

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Task Achievement
Ensure comparison points between younger and older leaders are clear and contrasting, highlighting the impact of their differences thoroughly.
Task Achievement
Expand on specific examples to demonstrate how older leaders' experience translates into organizational benefits, ensuring examples are deeply explored.
Coherence and Cohesion
Enhance the logical progression of ideas by introducing more varied connectors and transitions. This aids the reader in following the argumentation more seamlessly.
Task Achievement
Given the strong stance in favor of older leaders, including a brief acknowledgment of the strengths of younger leaders and how they might complement traditional leadership models could enrich the essay's depth.
Task Achievement
The essay presents a well-defined stance, maintaining a clear position throughout.
Task Achievement
Effective use of examples to support arguments, such as Elon Musk and companies like Blackrock and Vanguard.
Coherence and Cohesion
Good overall structure, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, enhancing readability.
Coherence and Cohesion
Introduction and conclusion effectively encapsulate the essay's main points and stance, providing a cohesive frame for the argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • strategic decision-making
  • crisis management
  • innovative ideas
  • adaptable
  • tech-savvy
  • digital transformation
  • complex situations
  • high-pressure decisions
  • empathy
  • patience
  • strategic foresight
  • authoritative
  • collaborative work culture
  • dynamic
  • inclusive organizational culture
  • ageism
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