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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The charts below show the percentages of men and women aged 60-64 in employment in four countries in 1970 and 2000 Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparison where relevant.

The charts below show the percentages of men and women aged 60-64 in employment in four countries in 1970 and 2000 Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparison where relevant.
#show #percentages #men #women #employment #four #countries #summaries #information #features #comparison
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This
Linking Words
 bar chart illustrates the employment rate of
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
according to
Linking Words
 gender in four different states in 1970 and 2000. In general,
men
Use synonyms
 became dominant in
workplace
Add an article
the workplace
show examples
 for elder people in all representative states in each continent. In 1970, most elderly work field was occupied by
men
Use synonyms
, especially in Japan, where 84
percent
Use synonyms
 of the old
Use synonyms
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
show examples
 were
men
Use synonyms
 and just 16
percent
Use synonyms
 of them were women.
This
Linking Words
 situation
also
Linking Words
 happened in Belgium, Australia, and
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
which
Correct word choice
where
show examples
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 accounted
over
Change preposition
for over
show examples
 70
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of elder employment.
This
Linking Words
 pattern slowly changed in 2000. Female
Use synonyms
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
show examples
 continued to increase in each country, and even overtaking male
worker
Use synonyms
 domination.
For example
Linking Words
, in Belgium, only 19
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of old
Use synonyms
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
show examples
 were
men
Use synonyms
,
the
Correct word choice
and the
show examples
 remaining 81
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 were women. It
also
Linking Words
 occurred in two
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
 states where women eventually became
majority
Add an article
the majority
a majority
show examples
 in work place in early 2000. But Japan was still dominated by old
men
Use synonyms
 back
then
Linking Words
.
Submitted by srsdy008 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
▼
Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words men, percent, worker with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Employment rate
  • Percentage
  • Significant increase/decrease
  • Fluctuation
  • Gender disparity
  • Trend
  • Decline
  • Improvement
  • Variation
  • Noteworthy
  • Aligned
  • Comparative analysis
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