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Band 4.5

Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interest and whether they are marries od single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Other disagree. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#employers #people #jobs #information #hobbies #interest #od
Various states have to teach both genders in separate kindergartens
instead
 of
one
 institution.
However
, the positive side of
this
 idea is that students may be focused only on the academic issues which lead them to achieve the best grades
while
 the downside of
this
 process encourages discrimination between women and men. On
one
 side, the children who study in educational institutions which prepare in
one
 gender classes it leads him to achieve the best performance in their learning journey.
Furthermore
, the teaching process in the mixed classes has made students fall in love and both genders try to catchy each other some students seek to show another off , which eventually leads them to lose focus on their tasks for
this
 , the above away can avoid him all
this
Change the determiner
these
show examples
 troubles.
For example
, in a lot of mixed scholars around the world, we witnessed a lot of unhealthy relationships between girls and boys and massive problems that caused
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their families. So, a lot of people prefer
this
 type of education. On the other side, the huge negative point of learning about each gender far away from the other is that may lead to futuristic discrimination between them. What is more, when teenagers receive education away from each other without any doubt, that will lead them to reduced communication between them and some boys
maybe
Correct your spelling
may
show examples
 influential negative and
became
Verb problem
apply
show examples
have bad information about other sex.
For instance
, still, a sweeping people around the world have
practice
Wrong verb form
practised
show examples
 a bad base to his sex and
this
one
Add a missing verb
is one
show examples
 of the results of
above
Correct article usage
the above
show examples
 way. For
this
, a large number of people do not attend
this
 way.
To conclude
, the shaping of the classroom around universal is divided between some institutions preferably studying all genders in
one
 class and others in different classes. So,
although
 both sides have positive and negative aspects the latter
one
 their negative outweighs the first way .
Submitted by mohammedelhassan811 on

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Introduction Clarity
Ensure your introduction clearly presents the topic and your viewpoint. Your current introduction could be more explicit in outlining the discussion points.
Paragraph Structure
Work on presenting your main points more coherently. Try to introduce each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that summarizes the paragraph's main idea.
Transitions
Use transitions effectively to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs. This can help in making your essay more cohesive and easier to follow.
Conclusion Strength
In your conclusion, succinctly summarize your discussion and clearly state your position. Your current conclusion could be stronger in restating the main arguments and your stance.
Example Relevance
Provide specific examples to support your arguments. While you have attempted this, making your examples more detailed and relevant can strengthen your argument.
Balanced Discussion
You've attempted to discuss both sides of the argument, demonstrating an understanding of the task.
Topic Engagement
Your essay engages with the topic, showing a good attempt to address the prompt.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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