In many countries today, if people want to find work, they have to move away from their friends and their families. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

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In these days, finding a
profeesion
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profession
professional

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requires transforming to another country. In
this
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report I will go through the two aspects of
this
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change,
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then
Correct word choice
and then

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alow
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allow

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me to share my position.
Traveling
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Travelling

The spelling of Traveling is a non-British variant. For consistency, consider replacing it with the British English spelling.

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to a new region leads to a lot of benefits, knowledge, and experiences.
Whereas
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being alone leads to discovering new cultures and people. For
further
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explanation, many studies indicate that visiting a new place will cause new discoveries
as a result
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of being
corious
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curious

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about any
mysteryous
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mystery

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as well as
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travelers get many bonds because of facing a lot of strangers.
Additionally
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, being in
unfamiliar
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an unfamiliar

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region
cause
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causes

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more focus on work. A survey said that most
of
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apply

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human
Add an article
the human

The phrase most of human kind may require the use of the article the. Consider inserting the before the noun in your sentence.

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kind
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acknowledged
aknowledged
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acknowledged

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that their performance increase if they are in a new place because they do not have any entertainer to waste time with.
Although
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the points above are strong, there are points
do
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that do

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not support
this
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development which
hold
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holds

The plural verb hold does not appear to agree with the singular subject this development. Consider changing the verb form for subject-verb agreement.

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equal strength. The first one is feeling homesick.
The mental
Correct article usage
Mental

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health is
such
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an important factor that
play
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plays

The verb play does not seem to agree with the subject. Consider changing the verb form.

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a significant role in physical performance.
Therefore
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, many studies reported that poor mental health is the main reason for the decrease
of
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in

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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profits,
however
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, being with relatives and
accomadation
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accommodation

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is a primary factor
to solve
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in solving

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this
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problem.
Moreover
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, going to another place leads to many
finance
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financial

The word finance doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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problems. A survey showed that the main reason for rejecting a job is being poor
while
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going to the job requires money for transportation and living.
As a consequence
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, a lot of poor people can not change their status because of
this
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

development. In conclusion, on
one
Correct article usage
the one

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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hand, moving away from relatives and friends helps make new relationships, and
focusing
Wrong verb form
focus

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb focusing. Consider changing it.

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on work.
On the other hand
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, being far away from lovers cause boredom
,
Remove the comma
apply

It appears that you have an unnecessary comma in a compound object. Consider removing it.

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and poor mental health. depending on the points above, I do not believe that the advantages overcome the disadvantages of
this
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

development.

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Overall
Be sure to proofread your essay to correct small inaccuracies and improve overall clarity. This can help make your argument more compelling.
Task Achievement
Consider expanding your examples to be more detailed and specific, thereby providing a stronger foundation for your arguments.
Coherence & Cohesion
Try to vary your sentence structure and vocabulary to enhance the readability and sophistication of your essay.
Task Achievement
Make direct comparisons between the advantages and disadvantages where possible, to strengthen the argument and provide a clearer conclusion.
Task Achievement
Ensure your conclusion succinctly summarises your perspective in light of the discussion, reinforcing your stance effectively.
Task Achievement
You effectively covered both sides of the argument, providing a balanced view.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion were present and provided a clear framework for your essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
You demonstrated good organization of ideas, contributing to the essay's coherence.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • relocation
  • employment prospects
  • professional development
  • cultural exposure
  • isolation
  • familial relationships
  • cost of living
  • career progression
  • mental health
  • significant life events
  • higher salaries
  • support families
  • broaden horizons
  • living standards
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