In many countries today, if people want to find work, they have to move away from their friends and their families. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
In these days, finding a
profeesion
requires transforming to another country. In Correct your spelling
profession
professional
this
report I will go through the two aspects of this
change, then
Correct word choice
and then
alow
me to share my position.
Correct your spelling
allow
Traveling
to a new region leads to a lot of benefits, knowledge, and experiences. Change the spelling
Travelling
Whereas
being alone leads to discovering new cultures and people. For further
explanation, many studies indicate that visiting a new place will cause new discoveries as a result
of being corious
about any Correct your spelling
curious
mysteryous
Correct your spelling
mystery
as well as
travelers get many bonds because of facing a lot of strangers. Additionally
, being in unfamiliar
region Correct article usage
an unfamiliar
cause
more focus on work. A survey said that most Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
of
Change preposition
apply
human
kind Add an article
the human
Correct your spelling
acknowledged
aknowledged
that their performance increase if they are in a new place because they do not have any entertainer to waste time with.
Correct your spelling
acknowledged
Although
the points above are strong, there are points do
not support Correct pronoun usage
that do
this
development which hold
equal strength. The first one is feeling homesick. Change the verb form
holds
The mental
health is Correct article usage
Mental
such
an important factor that play
a significant role in physical performance. Change the verb form
plays
Therefore
, many studies reported that poor mental health is the main reason for the decrease of
profits, Change preposition
in
however
, being with relatives and accomadation
is a primary factor Correct your spelling
accommodation
to solve
Change preposition
in solving
this
problem. Moreover
, going to another place leads to many finance
problems. A survey showed that the main reason for rejecting a job is being poor Replace the word
financial
while
going to the job requires money for transportation and living. As a consequence
, a lot of poor people can not change their status because of this
development.
In conclusion, on one
hand, moving away from relatives and friends helps make new relationships, and Correct article usage
the one
focusing
on work. Wrong verb form
focus
On the other hand
, being far away from lovers cause boredom,
and poor mental health. depending on the points above, I do not believe that the advantages overcome the disadvantages of Remove the comma
apply
this
development.Submitted by haneenalnetaif on
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Overall
Be sure to proofread your essay to correct small inaccuracies and improve overall clarity. This can help make your argument more compelling.
Task Achievement
Consider expanding your examples to be more detailed and specific, thereby providing a stronger foundation for your arguments.
Coherence & Cohesion
Try to vary your sentence structure and vocabulary to enhance the readability and sophistication of your essay.
Task Achievement
Make direct comparisons between the advantages and disadvantages where possible, to strengthen the argument and provide a clearer conclusion.
Task Achievement
Ensure your conclusion succinctly summarises your perspective in light of the discussion, reinforcing your stance effectively.
Task Achievement
You effectively covered both sides of the argument, providing a balanced view.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion were present and provided a clear framework for your essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
You demonstrated good organization of ideas, contributing to the essay's coherence.