some people believe that visitors to other countries should follow local customs and behaviour. others disagree and think that the host contry should welcome cultural differences. discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

In the immigration epoch, people are choosing to travel around the world to get rest, to celebrate, and to relax.
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
there is an ongoing debate on whether immigrants should obey
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
certain local customs and behaviours or
the
Correct word choice
whether the
show examples
hosting country should welcome foreigners and their cultural diversification.
This
essay will discuss both sides and my opinion as to why I agree with both statements.
To begin
with, certain countries work hard at maintaining their heritage. Immigrants disrespecting their devotions would cause outrage.
For example
, in Mongolia, people enshrine horses
as
Change preposition
by
show examples
putting their photos somewhere in their
house
Fix the agreement mistake
houses
show examples
and feeding them as horses have
a
Change the article
an
show examples
honorable
Change the spelling
honourable
show examples
stance in Mongolia because
in
Add the comma(s)
, in
show examples
12th
Change the article
the 12th
show examples
century, our empire, Chinggis Khan fought with other countries hundreds of
time
Fix the agreement mistake
times
show examples
with his horse, succeeded, and built up
current
Add an article
the current
show examples
locality of Mongolia. If visitors harm grazing horses, Mongolians will be extremely reluctant to
disrespecting
Wrong verb form
disrespect
show examples
their devotions.
On the other hand
, all nations have various religious viewpoints, and
mostly
Correct your spelling
most
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
customs
also
Add a missing verb
are also
show examples
based on their religious circle.
For example
, if visitors visit
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
mosque in the heart of Turkey, they must wear something to hide their hair or head to obey the environmental and religious rules. If immigrants disobey the rules,
local
Fix the agreement mistake
locals
show examples
will
Add a missing verb
be outrage
show examples
outrage
Replace the word
outraged
show examples
and will change their viewpoints to see the foreigners.
To sum up
, I agree with both views
as
Change preposition
with
show examples
respect
other
Change preposition
to other
show examples
countries' religious devotions and cultural differences.
Submitted by nazim200709 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Response
You've done a good job of discussing both sides of the argument, providing clear examples and demonstrating an understanding of the topic. However, it's important to ensure your conclusion clearly articulates your own opinion, making it distinct from the discussion of others' views.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay shows good cohesion and coherence with a logical flow of ideas. To further improve, consider varying your sentence structures and linking words to enhance readability.
Examples and Support
Your essay effectively provides examples to support your points, such as the cultural significance of horses in Mongolia and dress codes in Turkish mosques.
Structure
You have a clear introduction and conclusion which helps frame your discussion and summarize your viewpoint effectively.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: