IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Today, we can see that there is an increasing number
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
Use synonyms
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
show examples
 all around the world. Many
people
Use synonyms
 said that
this
Linking Words
 is happening because
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
there are plenty of provisions and beverages with high
sugar
Use synonyms
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
being sold in the market and one solution that can fix
this
Linking Words
 problem is to sell
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
 higher
Use synonyms
price
Fix the agreement mistake
prices
show examples
. In my opinion, I personally agree that
this
Linking Words
 is the best way to prevent more
health
Use synonyms
 problems
coming
Verb problem
apply
show examples
due to
Linking Words
 the high level of
sugar
Use synonyms
 that
people
Use synonyms
 consume
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their food. First and foremost, by raising the
price
Use synonyms
 of
products
Use synonyms
 that
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 high
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 of
sugar
Use synonyms
, many
people
Use synonyms
 will tend to not buy
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 and prefer to choose cheaper items. As they are going to choose lower
price
Use synonyms
 food,
people
Use synonyms
’s behaviour on
consume
Wrong verb form
consuming
show examples
 something is surely going to change and will make an imbalance in
supply
Correct article usage
the supply
show examples
 and demand curve in the
marrket
Correct your spelling
market
.
As a consequence
Linking Words
 of it, the factory will produce less sugary
products
Use synonyms
 so
people
Use synonyms
 will hardly
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
see
high
Add a hyphen
high-sugar
show examples
sugar
Use synonyms
products
Use synonyms
 and
instead
Linking Words
 prefer to buy cheap food which
Linking Words
also
Add a missing verb
is also
show examples
 healthier than before.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the
factory
Fix the agreement mistake
factories
show examples
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 still manufacture
high
Add a hyphen
high-sugar
show examples
sugar
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
products
Use synonyms
 and sell
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 an expensive
price
Use synonyms
 have to pay higher
tax
Fix the agreement mistake
taxes
show examples
 to
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
due to
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
tax
regulation
Fix the agreement mistake
regulations
show examples
. It will make the government receive high revenue from these kinds of
tax
Fix the agreement mistake
taxes
show examples
. If these taxes are allocated to the
health
Use synonyms
 sector in the nation, the government can make many projects that eventually raise the awareness of
disease
Use synonyms
,
particulary
Correct your spelling
particularly
 communicable
Use synonyms
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
show examples
, which
caused
Add a missing verb
are caused
show examples
 by sugary
products
Use synonyms
. It will later
also
Linking Words
 reduce the
health
Use synonyms
 problems that
people
Use synonyms
 face nowadays.
To conclude
Linking Words
, I believe that
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
increasing the
price
Use synonyms
 of sugary
products
Use synonyms
 will make
people
Use synonyms
 change their consumption
pattern
Fix the agreement mistake
patterns
show examples
 and make them buy cheaper items which are
also
Linking Words
 healthier.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the taxes from
high
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
price
Use synonyms
products
Use synonyms
 that governments collect which
allocated
Add a missing verb
are allocated
show examples
 to the
health
Use synonyms
 ministry will later
also
Linking Words
 reduce the
disease
Use synonyms
 in a nation.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

language accuracy
Revisit basic grammar structures and verb tenses to enhance clarity and accuracy.
sentence variety
Consider incorporating more varied sentence structures to add complexity and fluency to your writing.
word choice
Be mindful of word choice to ensure precision and effectiveness in conveying your argument.
support detail
Include more specific examples and evidence to strengthen your arguments and provide more concrete support for your views.
topic engagement
Your essay demonstrates a clear understanding and engagement with the topic.
structural organization
You've maintained a logical structure throughout your essay, effectively organizing your ideas.
introduction and conclusion clarity
Your introduction and conclusion are clear, effectively framing your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sugar consumption
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • encourage
  • expensive
  • reduce
  • effectively
  • discourage
  • tight budget
  • purchasing
  • disproportionately
  • lower-income individuals
  • healthier food choices
  • demand
  • regardless
What to do next:
Look at other essays: