IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

n some countries today, if people want to find work, they have to move away from their friends and their families. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantage?

#n #countries #people #work #move #friends #families #development
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There is no doubt that finding a job is essential for any
individuals
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individual
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. It is believed that
people
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 should move to other countries to search for jobs and leave their
families
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 and
beloved
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loved
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 ones behind.
Although
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,
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apply
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this
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have
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has
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 many
benefits
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 it is
also
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 subject to drawbacks.
This
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 essay will discuss the pros and cons and express my opinion. On
one
Correct article usage
the one
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 hand, moving to another city or
country
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 to find
work
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 has
benefits
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, one of them it’s
open
Wrong verb form
opens
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 many chances for individuals to find a better job.
In other words
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, some companies prefer to hire persons
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 have no obligations towards
families
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 and have no friends to spend time with as
this
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 will ensure that workers have more time to be at
work
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.
In addition
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, when individuals
work
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 away from their
families
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 they will have
less
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fewer
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 expenses to worry about and they can save more money.
For example
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, Egyptian workers in Jordan have many chances to
work
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 as they have come to the
country
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 alone and they return to their
country
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 with a good amount of money.
On the other hand
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,
people
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 who
moved
Wrong verb form
move
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 away to find jobs will lose
connection
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 with their
families
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 and
beloved
Correct your spelling
loved
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 ones.
This
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 is to say, that
people
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 who
work
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 abroad after
sometime
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some time
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 they feel alone and with
the
Correct article usage
a
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 busy life they will have less time to connect with their
families
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.
Consequently
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,
this
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 will affect their relationship with their parents, sons, and relatives and sometimes
people
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 cut their
connection
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 with their home town.
For instance
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, many Arabs who travel to the USA cut
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connection
Add an article
the connection
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 with their
families
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 and
decided
Wrong verb form
decide
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 not to return to their countries for good. In conclusion, despite the
benefits
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 of having
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
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good salary jobs and more chances to
work
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 away from your
country
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, the drawbacks of leaving
familiy
Correct your spelling
family
 and
friend
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friends
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 and losing
connection
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 with them outweigh the
benefits
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 and could affect
people
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’s
live
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lives
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 forever.
Submitted by nidaa_hamed on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure clear and more varied transitional phrases to enhance flow between ideas.
task achievement
Expand upon the advantages and disadvantages with more detailed examples to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Consider exploring a wider range of vocabulary and complex sentence structures to demonstrate language proficiency.
task achievement
Make sure your position is consistently clear throughout the essay to strengthen task achievement.
coherence cohesion
You have structured your essay well with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples to support your points, such as the reference to Egyptian workers in Jordan.
task achievement
Your conclusion effectively summarises your argument, reflecting good task achievement.
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