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Band 3.5

Today our communications, medicine and transport systems all depend on computer technology. Our reliance on computer technology in these fields has created a dangerous situation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#communications #medicine #transport #systems #depend #computer #technology #reliance #fields #situation
Nowadays, technologies in computer
sistem
Correct your spelling
systems
 increased and many things
began
Wrong verb form
have begun
show examples
 to depend on
this
. Many aspects
such
 as communication, medicine and transport
as well as
 depend on
this
 technology.I disagree with the statement because the positive sides that computers have may be more useful than
negative
Correct article usage
the negative
show examples
 ones.
Firstly
, of
course
Add a comma
course,
show examples
 many things started to use
computers
Change the noun form
computer
show examples
systems
 but to look at the pros thanks to
this innovations
Change the determiner
this innovation
these innovations
show examples
 our life becomes easier and safer. Because of
this
 aspects system helps us maintain communication with close
people
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
us
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
at a distance.
Also
 main positive sides in hospitals. Facilitation of operations, improvement of the health of citizens and assistance in reducing diseases were presented.
In
addition
Add a comma
addition,
show examples
 transportation
systems
 in cities prevent accidents on roads, which makes
is
Correct your spelling
it
show examples
 safer for
people
's lives.And in our time without computer
systems
Add a comma
systems,
show examples
 life would be more difficult.
Although
, users of some services might have their
audentifications
Correct your spelling
identifications
identification
 and anyone can
stole
Wrong verb form
steal
show examples
 it and use
him
Change the pronoun
his
show examples
 face to gain access to his previous cards and so on.
Morover
Correct your spelling
Moreover
 information can be changed
according to
 themselves.
As a result
,
definitely
Add a comma
definitely,
show examples
 these aspects of computer
systems
 can cause
people
 to mistrust them. In conclusion, even though
they
Correct pronoun usage
there
show examples
 are a lot of benefits from technologies.In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 technology has
became
Change the verb form
become
show examples
 more innovative and has become a part of many
people
's life.But
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the other
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
 older
people
 think that they only bring harm despite their benefits.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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coherence cohesion
Focus on clear paragraph structure, using one main idea per paragraph supported by specific examples or explanations.
task achievement
In your introduction, clearly state your opinion about the topic to provide a clear sense of direction for your essay.
Lexical Resource
Use a wider variety of sentence structures and more advanced vocabulary to express your ideas more precisely.
Task Response
You made a clear attempt to address both sides of the argument, which is good practice for this kind of essay.
Content Relevance
You demonstrated an understanding of the topic, providing relevant examples like the use of computer systems in medicine and transportation.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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