IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people work for the same organisation all their working life. Others think that it is better to work for different organisations. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #work #organisation #life #organisations
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In the past few years, there has been an ongoing trend about choosing career pathways. Is it better to work in
one
 organization for a long time? Some people claim that it could benefit
one
’s
life
 quality.
However
, I believe that having a job in different companies might give
life
 experiences.
To begin
 with, people who have the same job in their working
life
 could be more professional in their field. The reason behind
this
 is
because
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 they are more focused on the current tasks that might be the same as the previous year’s.
One
 example, if a salesman works in a marketing matter, he will get more fluent in influencing people to buy a product, which increases his career performance.
Furthermore
, another argument is that if
one
 individual becomes an expert in digital marketing,
for instance
, he will gain a bonus for his monthly salary which raises his standards in
life
.
On the other hand
, workers who moved to another different company
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 may expand their networks by meeting well-behaved general managers from various institutions in a meeting,
for instance
.
This
 might
happen
Wrong verb form
have happened
show examples
 when his
last
 company's working environment was unpleasant,
such
 as
he
Rephrase
when he
show examples
 was doing poorly
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 his task achievement, leading to a realization
where
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 he wanted to upgrade his communication
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 by daring
himself
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
to speak to the executives.
Moreover
, there will be a chance where someone could wander outside his native country
due to
 the requirement of the newest job vacancy. Admittedly, he would experience moments of
life
 that he never expected before.
To conclude
,
although
 continuing the same position in a career journey might bring advantages in
one
's
life
 status,
however
, I strongly believe that doing several professions is preferred to create new memories in
life
.
Submitted by paslonbahagia on

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coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which is good. However, the logical structure can be improved for better flow between the paragraphs. Try using transition words or phrases to make your arguments clearer.
task achievement
Some ideas are clear and well-expressed, but others are confusing. Aim to elaborate on your points more clearly, ensuring each argument is thoroughly explained.
task achievement
The essay successfully provides a balanced discussion of both views and includes a personal opinion, which aligns well with the requirements of the task.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion effectively frame the essay, giving it a clear beginning and end.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Longevity
  • Corporate ladder
  • Adaptability
  • Comfort zone
  • Professional network
  • Diverse skill set
  • Industry exposure
  • Innovation
  • Resilience
  • Seniority
  • Job market
  • Career trajectory
  • Company culture
  • Professional growth
  • Job security
  • Promotion prospects
  • Cross-functional experience
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