IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Some people believe that it is important for children not to play video games but to spend time outdoors. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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It is irrefutable that today's world
opt
Change the verb form
opts
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a
Change preposition
for a
show examples
sedentary
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
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 rather than doing physical exercise. Some masses
thinks
Change the verb form
think
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children
Use synonyms
 indulge
theirself
Correct your spelling
themselves
show examples
 in physical activity more than playing video
games
Use synonyms
 and spend more
time
Use synonyms
 indoors. I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon and explain my viewpoint in upcoming paragraphs.
Firstly
Linking Words
,Youngsters
prefers
Correct subject-verb agreement
prefer
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 to stay home and spend
time
Use synonyms
to play
Change the verb form
playing
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games
Use synonyms
 and
engage
Wrong verb form
engaging
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 themself
to interact
Change preposition
in interacting
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 with social media. It
effects
Replace the word
affects
show examples
 their health drastically.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
Avoid
Wrong verb form
Avoiding
show examples
 physical activity and
become
Wrong verb form
becoming
show examples
 sedentary leads to
Correct article usage
a palthora
show examples
palthora
Correct your spelling
plethora
 of health issues like obesity, diabetes, stress, depression etc. The trend of depression increasing at
alarming
Add an article
an alarming
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 rate
due to
Linking Words
 Less interaction with people.
Moreover
Linking Words
, Spending most of the
time
Use synonyms
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
playing video
games
Use synonyms
 and watching television has inclined individuals towards isolation, loneliness etc.
However
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 are
future
Correct article usage
the future
show examples
 of the nation. So it's equally significant for parents, teachers and authorities to pay attention
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
Linking Words
 trend and
provides
Correct subject-verb agreement
provide
show examples
best
Change the article
the best
show examples
 resolution to tackle
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
 problem. Parents should opt
good
Change preposition
for good
show examples
 healthy habits like walking, jogging, sleep at
Use synonyms
time
Add an article
a time
show examples
 and spend more and more
time
Use synonyms
 with family. Because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 always imitate
parents
Correct pronoun usage
their parents
show examples
.
Additionally
Linking Words
, Schools should encourage students to take part in
games
Use synonyms
 by organizing regular competitions.
Also
Linking Words
, Governments spend more money to
built
Wrong verb form
build
show examples
 parks and playgrounds for
children
Use synonyms
. To recapitulate, It is very imperative that students pay attention to
spend
Wrong verb form
spending
show examples
 most of
the
Change the word
their
show examples
time
Use synonyms
to do
Change the verb form
doing
show examples
 outdoor activities that assist them
to become
Change preposition
in becoming
show examples
 mentally and physically healthier rather than playing
games
Use synonyms
 and
stay
Wrong verb form
staying
show examples
 at home.

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coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, and use linking words and phrases to connect your ideas logically. For example, words like 'furthermore,' 'on the other hand,' and 'in addition' can help guide the reader through your points.
task achievement
Pay closer attention to grammar and word usage. For example, 'opt a sedentary lifestyle' should be 'adopt a sedentary lifestyle'. Improved grammar will increase your overall clarity.
task achievement
Use more specific examples to support your arguments. For instance, mention specific studies or statistics when discussing the harmful effects of video games, or provide real-life examples of successful outdoor activities and their benefits.
task achievement
You have clearly stated your viewpoint in the introduction and provided reasons supporting your opinion.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reiterates your stance.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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