IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that having a set retirement age (e.g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree? Which types of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement?

#people #retirement #age #e #g #years #everybody #occupation #workers #pension #benefit
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A few
people
Use synonyms
believes
Change the verb form
believe
show examples
 that having a default
retirement
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age
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 for all
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
elderly
people
Use synonyms
 above 65 years regardless of their occupation is unfair. They think that specific employees
are deserved
Wrong verb form
deserve
show examples
 to retire and receive a pension at an earlier
age
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.
This
Linking Words
 essay agrees with
this
Linking Words
 statement.
Firstly
Linking Words
 it will discuss the
health
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issues
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 that
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
elderly
people
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 are facing. Following that it will discuss
regarding
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the type of workers
should
Correct pronoun usage
who should
show examples
 be
benifited
Correct your spelling
benefited
 from early
retirement
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. In the majority of
countries
Add a comma
countries,
show examples
 the
retirement
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age
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 of
people
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are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 set as default. Because of
Linking Words
this
Add a comma
this,
show examples
 the majority of employees are forcing themself to
work
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untill
Correct your spelling
until
 their
retirement
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age
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 despite their
health
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issues
Use synonyms
. The recent survey taken among elderly
people
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illustrate
Change the verb form
illustrates
show examples
 that, almost fifty to sixty
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of the citizens who are working in the blue
colar
Correct your spelling
collar
colour
jobs
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 are not healthy enough to continue their
jobs
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. All the occupations
as well as
Linking Words
 all the employees will not be the same.
Health
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 condition varies from one person to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
another. The best example
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
Linking Words
 situation will be my grandfather. His
retirement
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 was 70. But he
got
Verb problem
had
show examples
 some
health
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issues
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 and
unable
Add a missing verb
was unable
show examples
 to
work
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 when he was 65. Because of
Linking Words
this
Add a comma
this,
show examples
 his pension amount was minimized to 60 percent. Every person's job will not be the same. A few can
work
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upto
Correct your spelling
up to
 their 70s because of less stress and pressure in their job,
whereas
Linking Words
 some
people
Use synonyms
 can
work
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untill
Correct your spelling
until
60s
Correct pronoun usage
their 60s
show examples
.
The
Correct article usage
A
show examples
 recent study which was conducted on
Use synonyms
health
Correct article usage
the health
show examples
 of the
people
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 who are aged more than 50 shows that, the
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 who
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
worked on the
blue
Add a hyphen
blue-collar
show examples
collar
Use synonyms
jobs
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 was weak and tired
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 when compared to those
people
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 who worked
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
white
Add a hyphen
white-collar
show examples
collar
Use synonyms
jobs
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. Because of these differences in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
health
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issues
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,
people
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 who
work
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 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
blue
Add a hyphen
blue-collar
show examples
collar
Use synonyms
jobs
Use synonyms
 should have a different
retirement
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age
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 when compared to those who are working
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
white
Add a hyphen
white-collar
show examples
collar
Use synonyms
jobs
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, every
Use synonyms
people
Fix the agreement mistake
person
show examples
 should have
different
Correct article usage
a different
show examples
retirement
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age
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 based on their occupation.
Government
Correct article usage
The government
show examples
 or an Organization should set different criteria for the
retirement
Use synonyms
age
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.
As a result
Linking Words
 of
this
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 who are working
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 different occupations will be
benifited
Correct your spelling
benefited
.
Submitted by r.harip3 on

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coherence cohesion
Try to strengthen the essay by ensuring that each paragraph focuses on a single clear idea. This can help improve the logical structure of your writing.
task achievement
Address the grammar and vocabulary errors throughout the essay to improve clarity and comprehension. For example, consistently use singular or plural nouns correctly and ensure subject-verb agreement.
task achievement
Add more relevant and specific examples to support your main points, making them more compelling and illustrating your arguments effectively.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps the reader understand the main arguments.
task achievement
You’ve identified specific groups of workers who might benefit from early retirement, which makes your argument more compelling.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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