IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

In spite of the many advances women have made in education and employment, they continue to be at a disadvantage when it comes to pay and promotion. In your view, what should be done to promote equality of opportunity for men and women in their workplace? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Nowadays,
while
Linking Words
 females have made progress in employment and education,they are still at a disadvantage in salaries and promotions in the
workplace
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 article will illustrate the ways of improving gender equality in the
workplace
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. First of all,We should improve
women
Use synonyms
's voice in the job market.The smaller proportion of
women
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 than men in leadership is one of the reasons for the inequality in wages and promotions in the
workplace
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
,we should reduce the restrictions on hiring females and get more
women
Use synonyms
 into the workforce.
For example
Linking Words
, companies need to reduce restrictions on whether
women
Use synonyms
 are unmarried in senior positions.Society should encourage
women
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 to actively participate in leadership elections.When there are more
women
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 leaders, more people will speak up for
women
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.
Seconly
Correct your spelling
Secondly
, having female role models supports gender equality in the
workplace
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. Society's stereotype is that men tend to do better in the
workplace
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 than
women
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.So it is necessary to show the achievements of
women
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, to set an example, and encourage others to learn.
While
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the company can
also
Linking Words
 pay bonuses to these
women
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.
This
Linking Words
 not only gives
women
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 faith
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
Linking Words
 allows males to actively compete to give the females
respection
Correct your spelling
respect
respective
 of competition. In sum, requiring
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
female leaders and setting female role models can help address the lack of female advancement and earnings in the
workplace
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
Your introduction is brief and directly addresses the topic, but it can benefit from being more comprehensive. Try to present a clear thesis statement that outlines the main points you will discuss in the essay.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your essays include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main points discussed and reiterates the central argument. This can make your essay feel more structured and complete.
task achievement
Support your arguments with more relevant and specific examples. Illustrating your points with examples makes your argument stronger and more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to grammar and punctuation to enhance readability. For example, ensure there are spaces after commas and periods, and avoid capitalization errors like 'We' instead of 'we'.
coherence cohesion
Your points are clear but consider adding more transition words and phrases to ensure a smoother flow between sentences and paragraphs. This can help the reader follow your argument more easily.
task achievement
You have addressed both parts of the question by discussing both leadership and the influence of female role models.
coherence cohesion
You have provided clear and structured arguments, making a good case for gender equality in the workplace.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • disadvantage
  • pay gap
  • promotion
  • flexible working arrangements
  • leadership training
  • mentorship programs
  • parental leave
  • discrimination laws
  • equity
  • work-life balance
  • career progression
  • inclusive workplace
  • gender equality
  • advocacy
  • representation
  • normalizing responsibilities
What to do next:
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