IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some parents are worried about increasing level of violence in t. V, video games and other entertainment for children leisure. How does this affect children. How do you think problem can be tackled?

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Most
of
Change preposition
apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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parents
Use synonyms
 are concerned about brutality shown in T. V programs, online games and other means of amusement which affect
adversly
Correct your spelling
adversely
 the cognitive development of young ones.
However
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,
this
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 issue can be mitigated by keeping
check
Add an article
a check
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 on the youngsters by their guardians. To commence with, spending a lot of leisure hours
while
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 watching inconsistent
stuff
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 on screens can have a severe effect on tender brains . To elaborate
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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, childhood is an age
where
Correct word choice
when
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children
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 imitate the things which attract them , so they try to apply the violence shown in reel life
on
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in
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 real life. As a
consequences
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consequence
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 at
very
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the very
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Unmatture
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Immature
 phase of their
life
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life,
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 they become criminals.
For example
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,
according to
Linking Words
 a survey done in the USA
enomrous
Correct your spelling
enormous
 teenagers become part of gangs by just playing
an
Correct your spelling
and
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 watching
such
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 kind of
stuff
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 in GTA 5 which is
Correct article usage
a maafia
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maafia
Correct your spelling
mafia
 based video game.
Therefore
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 ,
violence based
Add a hyphen
violence-based
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 T. V shows and virtual games
proves
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prove
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 to be hazardous for
mental
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the mental
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 development of young ones.
On the other hand
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,
parents
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 should keep
eye
Correct article usage
an eye
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 on
activities
Correct article usage
the activities
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 of
children
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 which can overcome
this
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 problem to
great
Correct article usage
a great
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extend
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extent
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. To explain it, the
neglegeo
Correct your spelling
negligee
neglect
 of
parents
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 is the main factor behind the overuse of gadgets and watching ferocious
stuff
Use synonyms
 on screens, so if
parents
Use synonyms
 would limit the time of
such
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 activities of their wards and forbid them strictly
for
Change preposition
from
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 watching assaulted videos,
children
Use synonyms
 can be saved from becoming victims of
such
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 materials shown on screens.
For instance
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, according
an
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to an
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 article published in 'The Tribune'
parents
Use synonyms
 who are aware
about
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of
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 the development phase of their
children
Use synonyms
 keep
check
Change the verb form
checking
show examples
 on them to control their use of
T. V
Correct your spelling
TV
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 and video games In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 unfair
stuff
Use synonyms
 shown in
virtual
Add an article
the virtual
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 world
put
Verb problem
has
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 adverse effects on tender minds,
as a result
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 of which they commit crimes in reality, guardians should become aware of what their child is watching or playing on screen which can reduce the
bad
Correct word choice
negative
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 effects of
such
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 things.

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coherence cohesion
To improve the coherence and cohesion of your essay, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, and that ideas flow logically from one to the next. Also, use linking words and phrases more effectively to connect ideas between sentences and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Work on forming more grammatically correct sentences and reducing typographical errors for a more polished presentation. Additionally, try to use a wider range of vocabulary to enhance your writing.
task achievement
Improve the clarity of your ideas by avoiding overly complex sentences that could confuse the reader. Make sure each idea is clearly articulated and supported with relevant examples.
task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt effectively and provides a clear response to the question about the impact of violence in media on children.
task achievement
The essay uses specific examples, such as the reference to GTA 5 and The Tribune, to support the main points.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear introduction and conclusion, which help to frame the essay and give a sense of completeness.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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