You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic: Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. Write at least 250 words.

#minutes #topic #countries #service #men #school #idea #system #women

An argument has arisen between

two

Correct article usage

the two

show examples

groups. Some nations believe that their citizens are obliged to do army service right after they graduate from school, especially for the boys. Others are attracted to

adopt

Wrong verb form

adopting

show examples

this

system

. I agree with the notion that other countries are suggested to apply

this

policy since it will enforce the defence

system

. I will elaborate more about my point of view in

this

essay.

Firstly

, adopting the military service

system

for the communities will increase their nationalism.

For example

, if young men are required to enrol their names to the camp, they will be taught a lot of materials related to the history of their countries

along with

what their states have inherited

Change preposition

from

show examples

them.

As a result

, the sense of belonging to their nations increases.

However

, there should be a different treatment for common citizens compared to the real army. They should not be trained tougher than the

defense

Change the spelling

defence

show examples

force even though they are

also

prepared to face the war, but

still

Add a comma

still,

show examples

they are not the main force.

In addition

, another positive impact of adopting

military

Correct article usage

a military

show examples

system

is that it will enhance people's discipline.

For instance

, there is a strict mandatory schedule that should be followed by the participants. If they come late, they will get punished. From here, they learn not to waste

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

time and to always come

punctual

Change the word

punctually

show examples

Although

the rule is strict enough, the organizer still needs to make some

exception

Fix the agreement mistake

exceptions

show examples

for those who truly can not participate

Change preposition

show examples

the schedule

due to

some reasons. To

sums

Correct subject-verb agreement

sum

show examples

up, adopting

military

Correct article usage

a military

show examples

service

system

is suggested for many countries since it has many advantages,

such

as, it will raise the citizens' nationalism and discipline as well.

Submitted by srsdy008 on Thu May 23 2024

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task achievement

Your introduction is clear, but try to give a broader context before stating your opinion. For example, talk about why some countries have compulsory military service and potential benefits and drawbacks.

task achievement

Try to elaborate more on your points with specific examples and stronger arguments. For instance, mention countries where this system has been successful and any real-life examples you know. You could also discuss potential downsides or challenges of implementing compulsory military service.

coherence cohesion

The overall logical structure of your essay is good, but the transitions between your ideas could be smoother. Use more linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your argument.

coherence cohesion

Avoid repeating phrases such as 'military service system' and 'nationalism and discipline.' Try to use synonyms or paraphrase to maintain the reader’s interest.

supported main points

Your main points are well-supported and clearly explained, which helps to strengthen your argument.

introduction conclusion present

The conclusion effectively summarizes your points and reaffirms your stance, which is a vital part of a cohesive essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

Summary
Restatement of thesis
Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

In conclusion
To conclude
To summarize
Finally
In a nutshell
In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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12Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
1Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
12Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

284 words

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

compulsory
military service
young men
adopt
system
patriotism
national unity
responsibility
discipline
individual freedoms
personal choice
skills
training

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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