IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Today our communications, medicine and transport systems all depend on computer technology. Our reliance on computer technology in these fields has created a dangerous situation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. Write at least 250 words.

#communications #medicine #transport #systems #depend #computer #technology #reliance #fields #situation
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Some people say that the widespread use of
computer
 technology leads to a worrying situation since we become very dependent on it, especially in communication, medicine, and transport
system
Fix the agreement mistake
systems
show examples
.
However
, I disagree with
this
 contention because actually we obtain some benefits from it. A
further
 explanation of my point of view will be presented below.
Firstly
, one of the advantages
modern
Change preposition
of modern
show examples
 tech in the communication sector is it connects us whenever and wherever we are.
For example
, it keeps us
stay
Verb problem
apply
show examples
in contact with our friends who reside in other countries without having any obstacles.
Instead
 of spending much money to meet each other directly, it allows us to meet virtually
by
Change preposition
via
show examples
 video calls which is much cheaper.
However
, as modern tech gets more advanced, we should be more careful in terms of sharing our personal data in order to prevent leaks by irresponsible people.
Thus
, we need to learn more about what kind of data that should be kept tightly.
Secondly
,
computer
 technology is beneficial for a doctor to make faster
diagnosis
Fix the agreement mistake
diagnoses
show examples
.
For instance
, a patient who suffers from
unknown
Correct article usage
an unknown
show examples
 illness needs to receive treatment as soon as possible. Imagine if there is no automatization, a doctor must read the result manually without any help. Of course, it takes ages.
On the other hand
,
computer
 tech
also
 has a big role in modernizing public transport
system
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systems
show examples
whereas
 the controlling
system
 is now done by
machine
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machines
show examples
 and supervised by
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
.
This
 will minimize some crushes to occur.
Furthermore
, in terms of
ticketing
Correct article usage
the ticketing
show examples
system
, it will be more convenient and
saving
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save
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 much time compared to the past. In conclusion,
although
 some people are afraid of the dangerous
situation
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situations
show examples
 that might
created
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be created
show examples
 by
computer
 technology, in fact, the benefits
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
still exceed its drawbacks.
Submitted by srsdy008 on

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task achievement
Try to provide a clearer topic sentence for each main body paragraph to enhance clarity.
task achievement
Make sure to address potential counterarguments to strengthen the response further.
coherence and cohesion
Work on varying sentence structures to improve readability and maintain the reader's interest.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction effectively states your position and outlines the essay's direction.
logical structure
The paragraphs are logically structured, with each addressing a distinct area where computer technology has an impact.
relevant specific examples
You have provided relevant and specific examples to support your main points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • reliance
  • cybersecurity
  • over-reliance
  • digital divide
  • data breach
  • cyberbullying
  • diagnostic machines
  • electronic health records
  • automated vehicles
  • predictive maintenance
  • real-time monitoring
  • vulnerability
  • misinformation
  • hacking
  • efficiency
  • navigation systems
  • traditional skills
  • system failures
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