IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

It is important for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age.Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? What sort of punishment should parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behaviour to children?

#children #difference #right #age #punishment #distinction #sort #parents #teachers #behaviour
the role of
punishment
 in acknowledging right and wrong in youngsters has sparked considerable controversy.
while
 some advocate for its
benficial
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 impact, I,
along with
 others believe these punitive practices
instead
Rephrase
apply
show examples
lead to an impaired mental state
Rephrase
apply
show examples
instead
.
however
, there are some constructive
preventing
Replace the word
prevention
show examples
 methods parents and tutors can adopt that are
further
 elaborated
in
Change preposition
on in
show examples
this
 essay.
to begin
 with, there are several measures parents and teachers implement to achieve
this
 goal. punishments being one of them, is highly common among them and
in particular
, physical ones. having mere and transient benefits,
such
 measures often result in kids' aggressiveness, resentment, and in some cases, depression as a means of escaping, leaving less mental capability or desire to foster any knowledge or adhere to other's regulations. to illustrate, a study conducted at the University of Arkansas demonstrated a positive correlation between
such
 practices and children's disengagement in classrooms, highlighting the detrimental role of physical
punishment
.
nevertheless
,
punishment
 is not always about acting physically.
in other words
, depriving the kids
from
Change the preposition
of
show examples
 their beloved objects or practices,
such
 as their
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
 toy or watching TV,
while
 being more gentle, prevents them from doing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
wrong and
thus
,
promots
Correct your spelling
promotes
promote
 them to conduct
in
Correct pronoun usage
themselves in
show examples
 the proper way. take the kid who has bullied his peers as an example. one efficient
punishment
 here is restricting their resting time within classes
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 would lead to the acknowledgement of what they have done wrong;
therefore
, the teacher has achieved the goal without hurting
child's
Correct article usage
the child's
show examples
 mental health or prompting their disengagement. to put it in a nutshell, despite the
delterious
Correct your spelling
deleterious
 impact of physical preventive actions, other forms of them can be used as an efficient way to tackle youngsters' wrongdoings and foster the ability
of distinguishing
Replace the preposition
to distinguish
show examples
 between what is wrong and what is right, without hurting their feelings or causing
further
 problems.
Submitted by bita.rezaei7052 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Consider using a clearer thesis statement to articulate your stance on the topic more explicitly in the introduction. This can help frame your argument effectively from the beginning.
coherence cohesion
Work on your transitions between sentences and paragraphs to improve the logical flow of your essay. This will help the reader follow your argument more easily.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single idea and develop it fully. Avoid introducing multiple different points in a single paragraph as it can confuse the reader.
task achievement
Pay attention to the accuracy of your language, as minor inaccuracies are present. Revising for grammar and vocabulary precision will help convey your arguments more clearly.
task achievement
The essay addresses the question and makes a relevant argument about the use of punishment to teach children right from wrong.
task achievement
The essay includes specific examples to support the main points, such as the study conducted at the University of Arkansas.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear introduction and conclusion, providing a sense of closure to the essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • punishment
  • positive reinforcement
  • consequences
  • time-outs
  • removal of privileges
  • open communication
  • clear expectations
  • consistency
  • fairness
  • disciplinary action
  • proportionate
  • moral values
  • internalization
What to do next:
Look at other essays: