IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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There are different opinions about asking
personal
Change preposition
for personal
show examples
information
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
from
show examples
people
Use synonyms
applying
Add the preposition
applying for
show examples
 jobs. Some
people
Use synonyms
, including me, believe
this
Linking Words
information
Use synonyms
 may be relevant and useful,
whereas
Linking Words
others
Use synonyms
 disagree. The main upside of asking these questions can be offering new facilities, recreational objects or different opportunities based on the hobbies or interests of
employees
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 means that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 gathering
this
Linking Words
information
Use synonyms
 helps realize most favorite hobbies among
employees
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, Rotch Company in Iran has considered different pool vouchers and tennis courts as a gift for encouraging competent personnel.
This
Linking Words
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to job satisfaction and a strong
band
Correct your spelling
bond
show examples
 among
employees
Use synonyms
 and the employer.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 option can be helpful for realizing
employees
Use synonyms
’ traits and personalities.
Due to
Linking Words
 the fact that some
people
Use synonyms
 prefer teamwork and they are good at communication skills,
in
Linking Words
addition
Add the comma(s)
addition,
show examples
others
Use synonyms
 prefer solo activities and can adapt efficiently if they work individually. Some careers
included
Wrong verb form
including
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 marketing and sales need good communication skills
in contrast
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,
others
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as laboratory supervisors may need to be alone to carry out their tasks.
As a result
Linking Words
 of these personalities,
employees
Use synonyms
 of the company may succeed a step ahead. One of the downsides of asking personal questions is qualifications and skills must be more important than private data for employers. Personal
information
Use synonyms
 can
effect
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a false impact on employers’ decisions.
For instance
Linking Words
, in Iran, there is not sufficient insight into some
people
Use synonyms
 who have got divorced or
others
Use synonyms
 listening to tracks of rap music.
This
Linking Words
information
Use synonyms
 may give rise to adverse effects on employers’ concepts. Another disadvantage can be discrimination which will
appears
Change the verb form
appear
show examples
 in
workplace
Add an article
the workplace
show examples
.
As a result
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 of personal data, each
person
Change noun form
person's
show examples
 private details can be proven.
For example
Linking Words
, some
people
Use synonyms
 who live in the
suburb
Fix the agreement mistake
suburbs
show examples
 may feel
difference
Fix the agreement mistake
differences
show examples
 among
them self
Correct your spelling
themself
themselves
show examples
 and peer colleagues.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it may cause job dissatisfaction. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 asking
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
personal questions
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 applying for jobs could be detrimental
due to
Linking Words
 a negative impact on the manager and discrimination in a workplace, I believe that
due to
Linking Words
 being familiar with suitable employment and efficient facilities, its advantages
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 more significant.

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task achievement
You have provided a balanced discussion of both views and supported your position effectively. However, including more specific examples or statistics would enhance the strength of your points further.
coherence cohesion
Improve the clarity and variety of your sentence structures. There are a few grammatical and punctuation errors that slightly obfuscate your points.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion, which makes it easy to follow.
task achievement
You have successfully highlighted the potential advantages and disadvantages of asking personal questions during the job application process.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • job application
  • personal information
  • hobbies and interests
  • marital status
  • relevant
  • useful
  • privacy
  • assessing candidates
  • qualifications
  • experience
What to do next:
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