IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

These days many young people are spending less time doing outdoor activities such as hiking, mountain climbing, and enjoying nature. What are the reasons for this? How can we encourage them to do more of these activities? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is a fact that today’s
children
Use synonyms
 represent the future prosperity
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 our societies.
However
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 nowadays are growing less and less interested
toward
Change preposition
in
show examples
 all sorts of
physical
Change the adjective
physically
show examples
 demanding activities especially the
outdoors
Replace the word
outdoor
show examples
 ones
such
Linking Words
 as hiking, climbing mountains and the simplest forms of
nature
Use synonyms
 enjoyment. In the next paragraphs, the reasons for
this
Linking Words
 developing crisis and the ways to antagonize it will be discussed. As technological innovations and different social media applications continue to dominate our modern realities. It becomes important for us to reveal the catastrophic effects occurring upon our young ones.
Children
Use synonyms
 are being subjected to unhealthy addiction patterns revolving around the usage of their high-tech devices combined with
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 social media applications. Which makes them dependent on short and frequent dopamine bursts for their whole rewarding cognitive system. Satisfaction
then
Linking Words
, even pleasure,
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 not to be reached by any natural means as long as they get what they are looking for from the virtual world.
As a result
Linking Words
, a sedentary lifestyle is the final outcome. Homes are becoming cages for
children
Use synonyms
 preferring the stay rather than
exploring
Wrong verb form
explore
show examples
nature
Use synonyms
. Unfortunately, our young are dissociating and growing apart from
nature
Use synonyms
, and soon they will become like aliens to
nature
Use synonyms
. Societal reformations and proper media usage will be
handful
Add an article
a handful
show examples
 to tackle
such
Linking Words
 growing
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
show examples
 within our
children
Use synonyms
. The role of parental guidance and their active inclusion into their
children
Use synonyms
’s daily routine will be pivotal to
resolve
Wrong verb form
resolving
show examples
this
Linking Words
 widely spreading phenomenon. Parents must get proactively involved in promoting the significance of outdoor activities to their young.
Also
Linking Words
, screen time should be
made
Verb problem
apply
show examples
limited or as a treat after a short hiking session. Societies,
on the other hand
Linking Words
, should arrange contests
such
Linking Words
 as marathons and mountain climbing events directed to
children
Use synonyms
 with symbolic rewards every now and
then
Linking Words
 to encourage them to connect
their
Change preposition
with their
show examples
 mother
nature
Use synonyms
.
To conclude
Linking Words
, Technological development and evolution are
coming with
Verb problem
taking
show examples
 a huge toll on our
children
Use synonyms
. The physical aspect and our ways of appreciating what
nature
Use synonyms
 provides us should be carried on by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
future generations.
Such
Linking Words
 untimely loss of innocence to virtual realities will affect the future bond between us, humans, and
nature
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Although the essay provides a clear and well-rounded response to the prompt, it would benefit from the use of more specific examples or experiences to further illustrate the points made. Including some personal anecdotes or hypothetical examples would enhance the relevance and impact of your arguments.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, it's suggested to work on the transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Some sentences feel somewhat disjointed due to abrupt shifts in ideas. Adding transitional phrases will create smoother flow and stronger connections between ideas.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with a strong introduction and conclusion, which nicely frame the main arguments.
task achievement
It effectively identifies the main reasons why children are spending less time on outdoor activities and offers realistic and actionable measures to counteract this trend.
task achievement
The essay stays relevant to the topic throughout, maintaining focus and addressing both parts of the question: reasons for the issue and solutions.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: