IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Sales companies should recruit people who are hungry for money as they will make the most dedicated workers.Do you think money is the driving force behind hard work? What factors should be taken into consideration when recruiting staff for sales positions

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It is sometimes argued that
sales
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 organizations ought to employ
workers
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 who are in need of funds since they are hard
workers
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.
Although
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 money can sometimes play a role in hard
work
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however
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 I believe motivation plays a crucial position in that. There are a plethora of factors that can be considered when hiring
workers
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 for
sales
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 roles
such
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 as good communication skills , ability to
work
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 in a team and being creative. Motivating employees enables them to
work
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 hard.
This
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 is because the vast majority of people gain extra power when they are encouraged.
For instance
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, the Tema Oil Company always motivate their staff every year which always comes in the form of incentives
such
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 as money and even spending a moment in Europe.
This
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 has not only made the staff
to
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apply
show examples
work
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 hard but
also
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 increased the company's earnings and currently, the organisation is among the most successful companies in Africa.
In addition
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, there are a lot of factors to put in place when employing
workers
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.
Firstly
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, good communication skills should be taken into consideration.
This
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 is because high
sales
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 of a product depend on how a worker communicates to their customers.
For example
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, Kwahu Rural Bank has failed to flourish because of how poor its
sales
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 managers interact with their customers.
Secondly
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, people who are willing to
work
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 as a team should be looked for. Working together enables employees to share ideas that will make an organization thrive,
Such
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 individuals depend on each and everyone opinion for the betterment of the organization.
Lastly
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, creativity is a must as
such
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 folks will always come out with new ideas. Take I iPhone company, its members are creative and it is the reason why customers are interested in
such
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 brands because of the numerous functions the phone operates. In conclusion, despite the fact that money sometimes helps humankind to put much effort into their various institutions, I opine that encouragement plays the crucial role the most. Several factors
such
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 as good communication skills, working in a group and the ability to come out with new ideas should be considered when hiring staff.

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task achievement
Your essay answers both parts of the prompt well, discussing whether money is the driving force behind hard work and outlining factors that should be considered when recruiting sales staff. However, try to offer a more balanced discussion by considering opposing viewpoints. This can give your argument more depth.
coherence cohesion
Your ideas are generally clear and well-organized. However, be careful with sentence structure and grammatical errors, as these can affect the overall clarity. Additionally, you could use more varied vocabulary to make your essay more engaging.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and concise, effectively setting the stage and summarizing your points.
relevant specific examples
You provided relevant examples to support your points, such as the references to Tema Oil Company and Kwahu Rural Bank.
logical structure
Your essay exhibits a logical structure, with each paragraph discussing a specific point clearly related to your main thesis.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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