IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

THE GRAPHS BELOW SHOW THE PERCENTAGE OF MEN AND WOMEN AGED 60-64 WERE EMPLOYED IN FOUR COUNTRIES IN 1970 AND 2000

THE GRAPHS BELOW SHOW THE PERCENTAGE OF MEN AND WOMEN AGED 60-64 WERE EMPLOYED IN FOUR COUNTRIES IN 1970 AND 2000
#graphs #show #percentage #men #women #four #countries
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Contained in the two graphs is the information pertaining to the
rate
 of
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 aged 60-64
had
Correct pronoun usage
who had
show examples
 a
job
 in different countries in 1970 and 2000. The data is measured in percentage
Overall
, it can be seen that the
rate
 of
women
 who have a
job
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 nearly the same in 2000 and 1970 in almost
country
Correct determiner usage
every country
show examples
. It can
also
 be observed that the percentage of men who had a
job
in2000
Correct your spelling
in 2000
 outnumbered those in 1970. Beginning with the
women
rate
 in Belgium the data show that there was 8% in 2000 and 7% in 1970. Regarding
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
, there was a large number of
women
had
Correct pronoun usage
who had
show examples
 a
job
 in 2000 and in 1970 which accounted
36
Change preposition
for 36
show examples
% and 38% respectively. With respect to Japan, there
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 43% and 40% of
women
 who had a
job
 in 2000 and 1970 respectively.
With
Change preposition
In
show examples
 Australia, there
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 only 16% of
women
 who were employed and 18%
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 those
got
Correct pronoun usage
who got
show examples
 the
job
 in 2000 and 1970. Moving onto the data about men’s
rate
 in age from 60-64 who had the
job
. It can be observed that there was only 19% of men who got the
job
 in 1970.
However
, It increased significantly in 2000 and stood at 79%. With respect to
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
, the proportion in 1970 was 55% and in 1970 it was 73%. Regarding Japan, there was 74% of men who were employed in 1970 and 86% in 2000.
Finally
, in 1970 the
rate
 in Australia stood at 47% but
then
 jumped to 76% in 2000.
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words rate, job, women with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "stood" was used 2 times.
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