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Writing Samples
Band 7

the chart below shows the amount of leizure time enjoyed by men and women of different employment status.

the chart below shows the amount of leizure time enjoyed by men and women of different employment status.
#amount #leizure #time #men #women #employment #status
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The graph compares the proportion of free
time
Use synonyms
 that males and females with different employment situations found enjoyable in 1998 and 1999.
Overall
Linking Words
,
men
Use synonyms
 who were unemployed, retired and employed full-
time
Use synonyms
, found their leisure
time
Use synonyms
 more joyful in comparison with women in the same groups.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the other two groups namely, housewives and part-
time
Use synonyms
 employed individuals did not include any
men
Use synonyms
. As
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can be seen from the bar chart, regarding people with no jobs,
men
Use synonyms
 enjoyed about 85
hours
Use synonyms
 of their leisure
time
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 number for women was approximately 75
hours
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, a relatively similar observation with nearly the exact same data can be deduced from the retired group.
Moreover
Linking Words
, male employees who worked full-
time
Use synonyms
 used nearly 50
hours
Use synonyms
 of their free
time
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
 females in
this
Linking Words
 category enjoyed less than 40
hours
Use synonyms
 of their leisure
time
Use synonyms
.
In contrast
Linking Words
, two groups of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
housewives and part-
time
Use synonyms
 employees had no signs of
men
Use synonyms
 in them and were just consisted of women in the years 1998 and 1999. It can be seen that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the number of
hours
Use synonyms
 that females enjoyed their free
time
Use synonyms
 was almost 50
hours
Use synonyms
 for the first group,
while
Linking Words
 it was just above 40
hours
Use synonyms
 for the latter one.
Submitted by fati.p98n on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words time, men, hours with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 2 times.
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