IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

Some think that it is more important for children to engage in outdoor activities instead of playing computer games. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#think #children #activities #computer #games
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Some people argue that outdoor
activities
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 more vital than playing
computer
games
. I agree with
this
 opinion.
However
, playing
computer
games
 is one of
significant
Add an article
the significant
show examples
 ways
for having
Change preposition
to have
show examples
 fun.
that is
way
Correct your spelling
why
show examples
 I disagree when only outdoor
activites
Correct your spelling
activities
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
children
 have to do.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
 the other hand, I believe that outdoor
activities
 can bring
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
children
a child
show examples
children
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
good habits and
this
 will have a big impact
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
children
 who need some
activities
 outside because they
need
Add the particle
need to
show examples
 explore and meet with many people and make
friendship
Replace the word
friends
show examples
.
For instance
,
children
 who
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 playing football will meet with others and can interact
each
Change preposition
with each
show examples
 other.
Therefore
,
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
activities
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 crucial for
children
.
In addition
, the world of
children
 is playing some
activitis
Correct your spelling
activities
, I think it is time for them to spend
many
Replace the quantifier
much
show examples
 time with some
activities
that
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 useful and can enhance creativity or
maight
Correct your spelling
might
 there are talents that they can find.
Besides
, I disagree when people
assum
Correct your spelling
assume
 playing
computer
games
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 not important
due to
this
 activity is one of
ways
Add an article
the ways
show examples
 to have fun and certainly can reduce stress. In conclusion, outdoor
activities
 and playing
computer
games
 are good
way
Fix the agreement mistake
ways
show examples
 to have fun.
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 I
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
agree
with
Change preposition
that
show examples
 outdoor
activities
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
have many advantages for
children
Submitted by patricius.yohanes on

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general
Try to avoid repetitive phrases such as 'some people argue' and 'I agree.' Additionally, make sure all your ideas are fully developed and supported with relevant examples.
coherence cohesion
Work on the logical structure of your paragraphs. Your second paragraph begins with 'In the other hand,' which should be 'On the other hand.' This phrase signals a contrast. Additionally, use transition words and phrases to ensure a smooth flow of ideas.
task response
Provide clear, detailed examples to support your main points. For instance, elaborate on how interaction in outdoor activities helps children develop social skills and mention specific benefits of playing computer games.
task response
You did a good job of presenting both sides of the argument which shows a balanced perspective.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which is essential in essay writing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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