IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

To what extent do you agree that the men and the women should do the same job as each other.

#men #women #job
There are lots of debates that the males and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
females should do
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
similar
jobs
 as each other. In my view, I totally disagree with
this
 statement because of several different factors relative to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
physical abilities and social reactions. It is a noticeable consideration that there are some physical barriers that to one
gender
 doing the job To put it simply, It can be observed that there are some
jobs
 require an ability that one
gender
 has.
For instance
, the males can't work as wet nurses because they can't create milk for children like the females.
As a result
, they have to choose the job that
suitable
Add a missing verb
is suitable
show examples
 for their
gender
 and their abilities. Another key component of the case is there are social stigmas against genders in certain
jobs
. It can be noticed that people have a trend to follow a more popular way. They would like to make a decision choosing the
gender
 doing the job that they feel
more
Add a missing verb
is more
show examples
 reliable.
For example
,
it
Correct your spelling
if
show examples
 people have a baby, they would like to choose a woman who has a good ability
looking
Change the verb form
to look
show examples
atter
Correct your spelling
after
show examples
 their baby
instead
 of choosing a strong man because they think that all women are most likely to take care
children
Change preposition
of children
show examples
 better than men
although
 it is not totally true. In conclusion,
although
 nowadays we are living in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 world that has general
quality
Fix the agreement mistake
qualities
show examples
, people need to choose the
jobs
 that are suitable for their physical
anf
Correct your spelling
and
 mental abilities in order to gain the best
qualification
Fix the agreement mistake
qualifications
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 that work.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
You presented a complete response to the prompt by addressing the topic and giving reasons for your view, which is excellent. However, some points need more depth and nuances. For example, consider discussing the possibility of equal opportunities before concluding that men and women should not do the same jobs.
task achievement
Try to incorporate more varied sentence structures and avoid repetition for higher clarity and engagement. For example, instead of saying 'they have to choose the job that suitable for their gender and their abilities,' you might say, 'they need to select careers that align with their gender-specific strengths and capabilities.'
task achievement
Your main points are relevant, but some could benefit from stronger evidence and examples. For instance, when discussing physical abilities, mention specific physically demanding jobs that men or women traditionally take on and why.
coherence cohesion
Improve upon the logical structure by ensuring tight-knit transitions between paragraphs and ideas. Each paragraph should seamlessly flow into the next to enhance readability.
coherence cohesion
Include clear topic sentences for each paragraph to better guide the reader through your arguments. This can also help keep the essay organized and focused.
general advice
Some minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing detract from the overall clarity of your essay. Proofreading for statements like 'It can be noticed that people have a trend to follow a more popular way' and revising it to something smoother like 'People tend to follow conventional norms' can improve readability.
structure
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which frame your essay well.
support
You have adequately supported your main points with examples, even though they could be more detailed.
content
Your arguments regarding physical abilities and social stigmas are pertinent to the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: