IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

The chart below shows the percentage of men and women who did various free time activities in England.(VMN)

The chart below shows the percentage of men and women who did various free time activities in England.(VMN)
#percentage #men #women #time #activities #england #vmn
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Presented for consideration is a bar chart depicting the proportion of individuals,
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 both genders, doing different activities during
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 leisure
time
Use synonyms
 in England.
Overall
Linking Words
 most of
mentioned
Add an article
the mentioned
show examples
 activities were done more by
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 than
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
, with the exception
with
Change preposition
of
show examples
 shopping and spending
time
Use synonyms
 with family,
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
which more
women
Use synonyms
 did than men.
In addition
Linking Words
, the majority of English, for both sexes, chose to watch TV in
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 free
time
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 the opposite was true for playing computer games. Looking at the first four sectors in the chart in
further
Linking Words
 detail, it is apparent that watching TV was the most popular choice among seven referred enterprises, whose figures were both merely over three quarters.
Following
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 was spending
time
Use synonyms
 with family, where
women
Use synonyms
 accounted for approximately 77%, around 1% higher than men which was about 76%. Doing exercise and reading had the percentages from 75% downward, particularly 75% accurately of the total number of
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and around 73% of
women
Use synonyms
 deciding to do sport to kill the free
time
Use synonyms
, and respectively 74% and 72% pertaining to reading.
Regard
Change preposition
With regard
show examples
 to shopping, a large number of
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 went shopping in their leisure
time
Use synonyms
, recording at merely
beneath
Change preposition
below
show examples
 75%;
whereas
Linking Words
Correct article usage
the male’s
show examples
male’s
Change noun form
male
show examples
 figure was just about 26%, nearly a third of
Correct article usage
the female’s
show examples
female’s
Change noun form
females
show examples
. Turning to
two
Correct article usage
the two
show examples
 remaining categories, the disparities
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 less significant. As only around a tenth of men and 15% of
women
Use synonyms
 opted for enjoying computer games, playing computer games was considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the lowest category compared to others. Regarding using the Internet, there was approximately 74% of males
choosing
Wrong verb form
chose
show examples
this
Linking Words
 kind of entertainment, nearly twice
higher
Rephrase
as much
show examples
than
Change preposition
as
show examples
 females, which was just about 32%.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Introduction: The introduction is missing.
▼
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
▼
Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words time, women with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "just about" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: