IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The graphs below the percentage of men and women aged 60-64 who were employed in four countries in 1970 and 2000.

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The given diagrams illustrate the ratio of men and female aged 60-64 remaining in the workforce from four different nations between 1970 and 2000. The rate of men between the ages of 60 to 64 who still work was higher than people in the same age bracket in both years.
Overall
, it can be seen that there was a decrease in employment among every portion of male and female workers in the age group of 60-64. In terms of figures for men in their early or mid-60s continuing to work, in 1970 those in Japan held the highest percentage at a notable 85%, followed by those in Belgium, Australia and the US. with 79%, 76%, 73% respectively. The most notable decline was witnessed by male workers aged 60-64 across the frame at 19% in 2000.
Furthermore
, similar movements but with different magnitudes can be observed in the pictures of America and Japan. and Australia, which fell slightly to 55%, 74% and 47% during the same period. Turning to retention of information from the chart, the proportion of middle-aged females aged 60-64 who are still working
while
 others have left Japan is highest at 18% in Belgium and significantly lowest was 8% in 1970. Meanwhile, the definition of females still participating in the labour force in both the US and Australia has shown contradictory changes with the figures showing signs of gradually increasing from 36% to 39% and 16% to 18% during the same period in 2000.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay should have a clearer structure with distinct paragraphs for different aspects. The introduction could be separated more clearly, and a distinct conclusion would help summarize the main points.
Coherence and Cohesion
Be careful with grammar and phrasing to ensure the essay reads smoothly. For instance, 'rate of men… who still work' can be better phrased as 'the percentage of men aged 60-64 who were employed'.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to use a wider range of vocabulary and sentence structures to make the essay more engaging and dynamic.
Task Achievement
Overall, the task is responded to well, but some comparisons are difficult to understand due to awkward phrasing. Ensure that comparisons and data points are expressed clearly and logically.
Task Achievement
Use more relevant examples by explaining what the data means in a real-world context. For example, you can mention how cultural or economic factors might influence employment rates.
Task Achievement
Your essay details specific data points and changes over time, which shows a good understanding of the task requirement.
Task Achievement
You have included comparisons across the different countries and time periods, which adds depth to the analysis.
Task Achievement
The overall response to the task adequately addresses the changes in employment rates among the specified age group.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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