IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2.5

There is a bar chart showing the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

#bar #percentage #australian #men #women #age #groups #activity
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There is a bar chart showing the
percentage
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 of Australian
men
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 and
women
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 in different
age
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 groups
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age groups
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apply
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who did
regular
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a regular
the regular
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 physical activity in 2010.
According to
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 the chart, the
percentage
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 of
male
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males
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 engaged in physical work in Australia gradually decreased with
age
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,
while
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on the contrary
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, it increased in
women
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 regardless of
age
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. In the
age
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 range of 35-44 years, the results of
women
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 compared to
men
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 were high, at the same time at the
age
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 of 65 and above, these totals were quite close to each other. In detail, the highest
percentage
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 of
men
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 who regularly
employ
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work
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 in physical
job
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jobs
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 was 52.8,
while
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 the
percentage
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 of
women
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 in the 15-24
age
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 range was relatively low, 47.7. In the
age
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of
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apply
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25-34
age
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 group, the working
percentage
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 of
men
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 has declined and was lower than that of
women
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, the difference between them was about 6 per cent. 45-54 and 55-64,
due to
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 these
age
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 groups, the rate of
male
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males
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 didn’t change much,
while
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 the
percentage
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 of
women
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 reached
at
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apply
show examples
53.
To conclude
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, these indicators demonstrated that
men
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 work less
regulary
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regularly
 in physical
job
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jobs
show examples
,
while
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women
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 had higher rates.
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task response
Your essay would benefit from a clearer and more concise introduction. State explicitly that the bar chart shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. This establishes the context more effectively.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, ensure smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. For example, you can use linking phrases such as "However," "Additionally," and "In contrast" to guide the reader through your points more seamlessly.
task response
While you do well in detailing specific age groups, your essay would improve with more clear-cut examples and a balanced comparison between the sexes across all age groups. This will help emphasize your main points more effectively.
task response
Your essay provides a good comparison between males and females in various age groups, which is essential for addressing the task adequately.
task response
You have included specific data points, which helps in making your essay more informative and reliable.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Regular exercise
  • Age demographics
  • Participation rate
  • Trend analysis
  • Gender disparity
  • Health initiatives
  • Public health policies
  • Statistical comparison
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Work commitments
  • Age-related factors
  • Preventative health
  • Exercise habits
  • Surveillance data
  • Motivators and barriers
What to do next:
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