IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

There is a bar chart showing the ratio of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

#bar #ratio #australian #men #women #age #groups #activity
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There is a bar chart showing the ratio of Australian
men
 and
women
 in different
age
 groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. The highest result of
men
 working in physical work was in the
age
 group of 15-24,
while
 in
women
 it was in the
age
 group of 45-54. The percentage of
men
 in the
age
 range of 35-44 years decreased with
age
,
while
 the percentage of
women
 ended up with very little results. The consequences of
women
 and
men
 were close to each other, even though
age
 was increasing and they were quite old at 65 and over. In detail, the highest interest of
men
 who regularly work in physical jobs was 52.8,
while
 the
per cent
Correct your spelling
percentage
show examples
 of
women
 in the 15-24
age
 range was relatively low, 47.7. In the 25-34
age
 group, the working percentage of
men
 has declined and was lower than that of
women
, the difference between them was about 6 per cent. 45-54 and 55-64,
due to
 these
age
 groups, the rate of males didn’t change much,
while
 the chunk of females reached 53.
To conclude
, these indicators demonstrated that males work less regularly in physical jobs,
while
 females
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 higher rates.
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coherence cohesion
Your essay provides a logical structure, starting with an introduction and ending with a conclusion. However, the logical progression between sentences and paragraphs could be improved to create a smoother flow of ideas.
task achievement
Try to include more specific data points or trends from the chart to provide stronger support for your main points. This will add more depth to your essay and make your argument more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences are a little confusing due to minor grammatical errors. Focus on sentence construction and verb agreement to enhance clarity.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and a conclusion, which helps frame your essay well.
task achievement
The essay covers the main points of the bar chart and provides relevant information about different age groups and their physical activity levels.
task achievement
You’ve demonstrated a good understanding of the data and how to interpret it, which strengthens the task achievement aspect of your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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