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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart anf graph below give information about three categories of workers in Australia and the unemployment levels within those groups.

The chart anf graph below give information about three categories of workers in Australia and the unemployment levels within those groups.
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The given bar chart and line graph present three various groups of employees in Australia and the number of unemployed
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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from those groups between 1993 and 2003. Both
contribution
Change to a plural noun
contributions
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 are provided in percentage. In general,
it is clear that
 almost
workers
Correct determiner usage
all workers
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 working in Australia were Australian.
Additionally
, the jobless rate for all three categories decreased during a period of 10 years.
To begin
, the figures
of
Change preposition
for
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workforce
Correct article usage
the workforce
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 from
English- speaking
Correct your spelling
English-speaking
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 countries and
non- English
Correct your spelling
non-English
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 speaking countries were similar with 14% and 10% in that order.
However
, the contribution of
Australiam
Correct your spelling
Australian
 employees
out numbered
Correct your spelling
outnumbered
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 the others, at about three quarters. Turning to the remaining data, it is apparent that stages of unemployment were always highest in the NESC group,
while
 the opposite was true for workers from ESC. The percentage of
NESC
Correct article usage
the NESC
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 group had a slight decrease between 1993 and 1997. After that, the line had a fluctuation, it fell from around 7% to 3%.
Correct your spelling
Similar
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Similiar
Correct your spelling
Similar
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 to
NESC
Correct article usage
the NESC
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 group, the
Australia
Correct your spelling
Australian
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 workers declined gradually to 1995 and fluctuated
during
Change preposition
over
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 2 years, in the
ends
Fix the agreement mistake
end
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, the share fell
down
Change preposition
apply
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slightly to 2003 with
regarding
Replace the word
regard
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to
Remove the preposition
apply
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the graph, the number of ESC groups had
oscillate
Change the verb form
oscillated
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 change from 1993 to 2003, go down to 2.4% and rise around 2.45%, the line reached the lowest point in 2003
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "give" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "fell" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slight" was used 2 times.
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