Many manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?
These recent days, we can easily find
food
and beverages that contain high level
of Fix the agreement mistake
levels
sugar
anywhere. As we know, consuming too much sugar
will cause many health issues. Many people
suggest the selling price of sugary products should be more expensive to make people
consume it
less. I firmly disagree with Correct pronoun usage
them
this
suggestion, I think there is another solution that pays attention to low-class people
's ability to purchase food
and avoid individuals addicted to sugar
.
Despite of
the disadvantages of glucose consumption, glucose is one of the easy resources to produce energy in our body. It is usually found in bread and carbonated drinks. Poor communities are highly dependent Change preposition
apply
with
Change preposition
on
this
food
to survive from
hunger. Change preposition
apply
Hence
, increasing the price of these foods is not a win-win solution for the population. On the contrary
, we will be faced with high poverty level
challenges in this
country.
The government is supposed to provide health educations
about the risk of consuming high glucose beyond our daily needs. The education could be posted Fix the agreement mistake
education
in
Change preposition
on
the
social media, advertisements, or public bazaars during the health awareness day. Correct article usage
apply
This
education will affect the human's mindset the
danger of consuming too much sweet Change preposition
about the
food
. For example
, Singapore's government has a strict regulation for food
and beverage manufacturers. They have to describe the nutrition and show the category of sugar
level
contained, whether it exceeds the limit of daily needs or still on the safe level
to consume. This
information would be very helpful for people
prone to diabetes, but also
not give a burden to a specific class of people
.
In conclusion, raising the price of sugary food
and drinks is not a wise solution due
Change preposition
because
to
many communities Correct your spelling
too
still
dependent Add a missing verb
are still
to
Change preposition
on
it
. Correct pronoun usage
them
However
, education could enlight
the risk and give a chance for Wrong verb form
enlighten
people
to enjoy it.Submitted by rifki.lufthansa on
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task achievement
While your essay contains some relevant points, it does not fully develop these points and could benefit from more detailed arguments and examples. To improve, try expanding on your arguments and providing more comprehensive evidence to support your claims.
coherence cohesion
Your essay structure is generally clear, but some sections could use better transitions and connections between ideas. Make sure each paragraph clearly supports your thesis and flows smoothly from one idea to the next. For instance, ensure each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence that sets out the main idea.
grammatical accuracy
There are some grammatical and syntactical errors that can be distracting. For instance, instead of 'Despite of the disadvantages of glucose consumption,' it should be 'Despite the disadvantages of glucose consumption'. Review your essay for such errors to improve clarity and readability.
introduction
Your introduction clearly sets up the topic and presents your stance effectively. This is crucial for guiding the reader through your argument.
relevant specific examples
You included a real-world example, citing Singapore's regulations, which strengthens your argument and makes your essay more persuasive.
conclusion
Your concluding paragraph effectively summarizes your position and reinforces your main arguments, which helps to leave a strong final impression.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example