IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

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These recent days, we can easily find
food
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 and beverages that contain high
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level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
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 of
sugar
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 anywhere. As we know, consuming too much
sugar
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 will cause many health issues. Many
people
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 suggest the selling price of sugary products should be more expensive to make
people
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 consume
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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 less. I firmly disagree with
this
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 suggestion, I think there is another solution that pays attention to low-class
people
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's ability to purchase
food
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 and avoid individuals addicted to
sugar
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. Despite
of
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apply
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the disadvantages of glucose consumption, glucose is one of the easy resources to produce energy in our body. It is usually found in bread and carbonated drinks. Poor communities are highly dependent
with
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on
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this
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food
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 to survive
from
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apply
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hunger.
Hence
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, increasing the price of these foods is not a win-win solution for the population.
On the contrary
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, we will be faced with high poverty
level
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 challenges in
this
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 country. The government is supposed to provide health
educations
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education
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 about the risk of consuming high glucose beyond our daily needs. The education could be posted
in
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on
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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social media, advertisements, or public bazaars during the health awareness day.
This
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 education will affect the human's mindset
the
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about the
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 danger of consuming too much sweet
food
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.
For example
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, Singapore's government has a strict regulation for
food
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 and beverage manufacturers. They have to describe the nutrition and show the category of
sugar
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level
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 contained, whether it exceeds the limit of daily needs or still on the safe
level
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 to consume.
This
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 information would be very helpful for
people
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 prone to diabetes, but
also
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 not give a burden to a specific class of
people
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. In conclusion, raising the price of sugary
food
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 and drinks is not a wise solution
Linking Words
due
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because
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to
Correct your spelling
too
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 many communities
still
Add a missing verb
are still
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 dependent
to
Change preposition
on
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it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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.
However
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, education could
enlight
Wrong verb form
enlighten
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 the risk and give a chance for
people
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 to enjoy it.

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task achievement
While your essay contains some relevant points, it does not fully develop these points and could benefit from more detailed arguments and examples. To improve, try expanding on your arguments and providing more comprehensive evidence to support your claims.
coherence cohesion
Your essay structure is generally clear, but some sections could use better transitions and connections between ideas. Make sure each paragraph clearly supports your thesis and flows smoothly from one idea to the next. For instance, ensure each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence that sets out the main idea.
grammatical accuracy
There are some grammatical and syntactical errors that can be distracting. For instance, instead of 'Despite of the disadvantages of glucose consumption,' it should be 'Despite the disadvantages of glucose consumption'. Review your essay for such errors to improve clarity and readability.
introduction
Your introduction clearly sets up the topic and presents your stance effectively. This is crucial for guiding the reader through your argument.
relevant specific examples
You included a real-world example, citing Singapore's regulations, which strengthens your argument and makes your essay more persuasive.
conclusion
Your concluding paragraph effectively summarizes your position and reinforces your main arguments, which helps to leave a strong final impression.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sugar consumption
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • encourage
  • expensive
  • reduce
  • effectively
  • discourage
  • tight budget
  • purchasing
  • disproportionately
  • lower-income individuals
  • healthier food choices
  • demand
  • regardless
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