When choosing a job, the salary is the most important consideration. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is argued that individuals should give
prioirty
Correct your spelling
priority
to
salary
when they choose different
jobs
. From my perspective,
although
salary
should be taken into
consideration
, I do not think it is the most significant one. The main reason
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
why
people
believe
salary
is
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
important
consideration
concerning choosing
jobs
is that they have to earn money to maintain their standards of living. It is widely known that only a
samll
Correct your spelling
small
portion of
people
own the majority of property in
this
world, which means that most
indiviudals
Correct your spelling
individuals
are facing the situation
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
being lack of money.
Consequently
, they have
limited
Add an article
a limited
show examples
budget to purchase goods even if those items are necessary for living. If they choose
jobs
with low wages, they are highly likely
contraining
Verb problem
to contrain
show examples
their expenditure and
get
Verb problem
apply
show examples
suffered
Wrong verb form
suffer
show examples
in poverty.
Therefore
, the
salary
of
jobs
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
supposed to be their first
consideration
.
However
, I hold the view that there are a variety of factors playing more significant roles than
salary
.
First,
proper workload should be placed beyond
salary
, because it is related to employees' health. To be specific, some
jobs
with high
salary
Fix the agreement mistake
salaries
show examples
require employees to work as much as possible. Based on that, they are under a stressful working atmosphere all day, which highly imposes negative effects on both their
phycial
Correct your spelling
physical
and mental health.
For example
,
people
work
Correct pronoun usage
who work
show examples
for financial
insititutions
Correct your spelling
institutions
have to deal with tons of documents
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
, which results in
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they are easier to get
injury
Replace the word
injured
show examples
by sitting in
office
Correct article usage
an office
show examples
too long and depressed.
Therefore
,
although
they may get a higher payment, the situation of their bodies becomes
worsen
Replace the word
worse
show examples
.
Second,
safety
is supposed to be
considerated
Correct your spelling
considered
considerate
over
salary
as well. Some
high-payment
Correct your spelling
high-paying
show examples
jobs
contain dangerous work
enviornment
Correct your spelling
environments
, so employers'
safety
may
get
Verb problem
be
show examples
influenced.
For example
, working as
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
person who
need
Change the verb form
needs
show examples
to test the effect of new medicine always with acceptable income but
also
facing the
potencial
Correct your spelling
potential
side effects that are harmful to their
safety
.
Therefore
,
people
should not
taking
Change the verb form
take
be taking
show examples
those
high
Add a hyphen
high-salary
show examples
salary
jobs
without thinking
their
Change preposition
about their
show examples
risks. In conclusion,
salary
could be a crucial
consideration
when individuals
choosing
Wrong verb form
choose
show examples
their
jobs
, but
safety
and
acceptable
Correct article usage
an acceptable
show examples
workload
are seemed
Wrong verb form
seem
show examples
more important.
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task achievement
The essay effectively addresses the task by presenting arguments for both sides of the issue. However, some ideas could be developed more thoroughly, and specific examples could be more detailed. For example, when discussing safety, more concrete scenarios could enhance the argument.
task achievement
Try to enhance the clarity of comprehensive ideas by ensuring all points are explicit and directly tied to the main argument. Sometimes the connections between points can be subtle and need further elaboration. For instance, the relation between workload and health, while mentioned, could be more deeply explored.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, the transitions between ideas can be made smoother to improve overall cohesion. Use transitional phrases to seamlessly guide the reader from one idea to the next.
coherence cohesion
Support main points with more detailed explanations or examples to enhance coherence. For instance, instead of a general statement about financial institutions' workload, specific job roles and their typical responsibilities could be mentioned.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, maintaining a logical structure throughout.
task achievement
The author addresses both sides of the argument, demonstrating a balanced perspective on the issue.
task achievement
Good use of specific examples, such as financial institutions and testing of new medicines, to illustrate points about workload and safety.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • consideration
  • sole factor
  • financial stability
  • security
  • motivating factor
  • dissatisfaction
  • demotivation
  • job satisfaction
  • overall well-being
  • fulfillment
  • work-life balance
  • flexible working hours
  • vacations
  • career growth opportunities
  • skill development
  • advancement
  • determining factor
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