When choosing a job, the salary is the most important consideration. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
It is argued that individuals should give
prioirty
to Correct your spelling
priority
salary
when they choose different jobs
. From my perspective, although
salary
should be taken into consideration
, I do not think it is the most significant one.
The main reason for
why Change preposition
apply
people
believe salary
is the
important Correct article usage
an
consideration
concerning choosing jobs
is that they have to earn money to maintain their standards of living. It is widely known that only a samll
portion of Correct your spelling
small
people
own the majority of property in this
world, which means that most indiviudals
are facing the situation Correct your spelling
individuals
of
being lack of money. Change preposition
apply
Consequently
, they have limited
budget to purchase goods even if those items are necessary for living. If they choose Add an article
a limited
jobs
with low wages, they are highly likely contraining
their expenditure and Verb problem
to contrain
get
Verb problem
apply
suffered
in poverty. Wrong verb form
suffer
Therefore
, the salary
of jobs
are
supposed to be their first Change the verb form
is
consideration
.
However
, I hold the view that there are a variety of factors playing more significant roles than salary
.
First,
proper workload should be placed beyond salary
, because it is related to employees' health. To be specific, some jobs
with high salary
require employees to work as much as possible. Based on that, they are under a stressful working atmosphere all day, which highly imposes negative effects on both their Fix the agreement mistake
salaries
phycial
and mental health. Correct your spelling
physical
For example
, people
work
for financial Correct pronoun usage
who work
insititutions
have to deal with tons of documents Correct your spelling
institutions
everyday
, which results in Replace the word
every day
that
they are easier to get Correct word choice
apply
injury
by sitting in Replace the word
injured
office
too long and depressed. Correct article usage
an office
Therefore
, although
they may get a higher payment, the situation of their bodies becomes worsen
. Replace the word
worse
Second,
safety
is supposed to be considerated
over Correct your spelling
considered
considerate
salary
as well. Some high-payment
Correct your spelling
high-paying
jobs
contain dangerous work enviornment
, so employers' Correct your spelling
environments
safety
may get
influenced. Verb problem
be
For example
, working as the
person who Correct article usage
a
need
to test the effect of new medicine always with acceptable income but Change the verb form
needs
also
facing the potencial
side effects that are harmful to their Correct your spelling
potential
safety
. Therefore
, people
should not taking
those Change the verb form
take
be taking
high
Add a hyphen
high-salary
salary
jobs
without thinking their
risks.
In conclusion, Change preposition
about their
salary
could be a crucial consideration
when individuals choosing
their Wrong verb form
choose
jobs
, but safety
and acceptable
workload Correct article usage
an acceptable
are seemed
more important.Wrong verb form
seem
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task achievement
The essay effectively addresses the task by presenting arguments for both sides of the issue. However, some ideas could be developed more thoroughly, and specific examples could be more detailed. For example, when discussing safety, more concrete scenarios could enhance the argument.
task achievement
Try to enhance the clarity of comprehensive ideas by ensuring all points are explicit and directly tied to the main argument. Sometimes the connections between points can be subtle and need further elaboration. For instance, the relation between workload and health, while mentioned, could be more deeply explored.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, the transitions between ideas can be made smoother to improve overall cohesion. Use transitional phrases to seamlessly guide the reader from one idea to the next.
coherence cohesion
Support main points with more detailed explanations or examples to enhance coherence. For instance, instead of a general statement about financial institutions' workload, specific job roles and their typical responsibilities could be mentioned.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, maintaining a logical structure throughout.
task achievement
The author addresses both sides of the argument, demonstrating a balanced perspective on the issue.
task achievement
Good use of specific examples, such as financial institutions and testing of new medicines, to illustrate points about workload and safety.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example