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Writing Samples /
Band 5

Should wealthy people be obliged to share their financial success with poor people by supporting health services and education, or is this the responsibility of the poor to improve their own standard of living?

#people #success #health #services #education #responsibility
There are common beliefs
such
 as rich
people
 must help
people
 in poverty by spending their
money
 to improve health care and education systems,
while
 others think that poor
people
 should take care of themselves. I personally believe that everyone should be responsible for advancing their living standards.
Firstly
, every financial
support
 does not
last
 forever and relying upon
such
 help can lead to terrible consequences. Charities,
support
 companies and wealthy patrons are not always able to provide for poor communities as there is
chance
Add an article
a chance
the chance
show examples
 that
Correct article usage
an economical
show examples
economical
Replace the word
economic
show examples
 crisis might hinder their ability to help.
Furthermore
, Rich
people
 often work hard to gain
such
 an amount of
money
 that allows them to live prosperous lives. In fact, most of them will disagree with giving away
money
 that earn with great difficulty.
For instance
, our government forced wealthy
society
Fix the agreement mistake
societies
show examples
 to provide medical
operation
Fix the agreement mistake
operations
show examples
 to
people
 who struggling with financial scarcity. We
also
count
Wrong verb form
counted
show examples
 on
this
support
 for my mother's operation but when the day the operation took place we
do
Wrong verb form
did
show examples
 not
received
Change the verb form
receive
show examples
 any financial
support
.
Secondly
, oversupporting can lead
people
 in poverty to be lazy and irresponsible. In a modern community, each person should somehow give their contribute to improving their community. Individuals who have always
take
Wrong verb form
taken
show examples
support
 from external resources like patrons and charities do not think of other ways of earning income and would be dependent and vulnerable to
such
support
. In turn, it will lead
laziness
Change preposition
to laziness
show examples
 and poor
people
 will not improve their conditions in the long run.
For example
, we have beggars in my country, in past decades they used to beg for
money
 and they are so obsessed with
this
 they even do not think about working.
To conclude
, I can state that despite the fact that it is very generous for wealthy
people
 to
support
 poor
people
, I think that poor
people
 should be responsible for their lives.
Submitted by Teo Halimov on

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general
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, some of your arguments could be better developed and more clearly linked to the main points in your introduction.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples and details to support your arguments. Your example about your mother’s operation was relevant but could be expanded and clarified for better understanding.
grammatical accuracy
Revisit some of your sentence structures and grammar usage to ensure they effectively convey your intended meaning. For instance, consider simplifying complex sentences to enhance clarity.
general
You have a strong introduction and conclusion which frame your essay effectively and make your stance clear.
coherence cohesion
The body paragraphs are reasonably well-organized and cover two distinct reasons supporting your viewpoint, which shows good planning.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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