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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table below shows the percentage participation of women in senior management in three companies between 1975 and 2015. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The table below shows the percentage participation of women in senior management in three companies between 1975 and 2015. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The table illustrates how
women
Use synonyms
 participated in senior
management
Use synonyms
 in
Eldan
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
,
Bamforth
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
, and
Finsbury
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
 between 1975 to 2015. In 1975,
Use synonyms
women
Change noun form
women's
show examples
participation
Use synonyms
 in
Eldan
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
 was the lowest compared to
Bamforth
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
 and
Finsbury
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
.
Women
Use synonyms
 only participated 3% in
Eldan
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
 senior
management
Use synonyms
,
Linking Words
nevertheless
Add a comma
nevertheless,
show examples
women
Use synonyms
 gave 9% of
participation
Use synonyms
 in
Bamforth
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
 and 16% in
Finsbury
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
. There is an increasing trend for
women
Use synonyms
participation
Use synonyms
 between 1975 to 2015 in senior
management
Use synonyms
 for
Eldan
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
 and
Bamforth
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
,
nevertheless
Linking Words
 the fluctuating trend experienced by
Finsbury
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
,
Eldan
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
 always experienced
women
Use synonyms
participation
Use synonyms
 in senior
management
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 for 5 periods, the first biggest escalation happened between 1985 and 1990,
women
Use synonyms
participation
Use synonyms
 in
Eldan
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 only 14% in 1985
rose
Correct word choice
and rose
show examples
up
Change preposition
apply
show examples
to 28% in 1990.
This
Linking Words
 huge escalation made
Eldan
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
 the company with the biggest
women
Use synonyms
participation
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 compared to
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 2 companies. The biggest escalation for
Use synonyms
women
Change noun form
women's
show examples
participation
Use synonyms
 in
Eldan
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
 happened between 2000 and 2015. In 2000,
Eldan
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
 was only 33% and in 2015 it rose
up
Change preposition
apply
show examples
to 64%. The same thing happened in
Bamforth
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
,
although
Linking Words
 the escalations were not as big as what happened in
Eldan
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
Eldan
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
 experienced a huge difference in their 2015 senior
management
Use synonyms
 position compared to 1985,
same
Change the article
the same
show examples
 thing occurred in
Bamforth
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
 even though not as big as
Eldan
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
, but the fluctuating numbers of
women
Use synonyms
participation
Use synonyms
 were experienced by
Finsbury
Use synonyms
Ltd
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "nevertheless".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words women, management, eldan, ltd, bamforth, finsbury, participation with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "compared" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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