IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, children watch a lot of TV and play video games. However, some think that these activities are not beneficial for a child’s mental health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In recent years, the
time
Use synonyms
 of watching television and playing digital
games
Use synonyms
 by
children
Use synonyms
 has been increasing dramatically.
However
Linking Words
, I believe that spending too much
time
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching movies or playing video
games
Use synonyms
 has a detrimental effect on
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 mental and physical
well being
Add a hyphen
well-being
show examples
.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
 one hand, I strongly believe that allocating excessive amounts of
time
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 electronic devices will lead to mental issues. To commence with
children
Use synonyms
's environment should contain a healthy circle of relationships, some young people tend to use up all their free
time
Use synonyms
 on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
screen
time
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
 of having
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
family
time
Use synonyms
 or doing outdoor activities with their peers.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they are more likely to suffer from mental problems,
such
Linking Words
 as autism and depression, which can easily lead to suicidal thoughts.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, from
physical
Correct article usage
a physical
show examples
 perspective being stuck behind
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 chair for a long period of
time
Use synonyms
 may
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
physical ability which brings diseases
such
Linking Words
 as obesity.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, other people claim that watching a lot of TV programs and playing computer
games
Use synonyms
 may
inhance
Correct your spelling
enhance
children
Use synonyms
's knowledge. They firmly insist that
such
Linking Words
 platforms can expand
child's
Correct article usage
a child's
show examples
 horizons
as well as
Linking Words
cultivates
Correct subject-verb agreement
cultivate
show examples
 his creative thinking.
However
Linking Words
, I don't find
this
Linking Words
 argument convincing because
such
Linking Words
 habits have destructive results rather than constructive ones.
Therefore
Linking Words
, parents not only
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
should supervise the
time
Use synonyms
 spent on
such
Linking Words
 devices but
also
Linking Words
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
should have a close observation
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the content of the programs. Research findings confirm that preschool pupils who are familiar with technological software will have better interpersonal skills
as well as
Linking Words
 problem-solving abilities in the future. In conclusion, I totally agree with the negative impact of computerized
games
Use synonyms
 and television on
children
Use synonyms
 because it exposes them to numerous mental and physical issues.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the prompt and provides a clear position on the topic. However, it would benefit from more specific examples to substantiate your points further.
coherence cohesion
Some of the points in your paragraphs could be more clearly linked. Try to use transitional phrases more consistently to ensure smooth flow from one idea to another.
coherence cohesion
While your introduction and conclusion are effective, consider refining the logical structure of your argument to make it more compelling. Organize your ideas to ensure each paragraph clearly supports your main argument.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and a solid conclusion that effectively summarize your position on the issue.
task achievement
You provide a complete response to the prompt, discussing both sides of the argument and stating your own position clearly.
coherence cohesion
Overall, the essay is coherent and the main points are presented in a logical order.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • cognitive development
  • exposure to violence
  • addiction
  • reduced physical activity
  • hand-eye coordination
  • strategic thinking
  • multitasking skills
  • moderation
  • parental guidance
  • balanced approach
  • screen time
  • social interaction
  • sense of community
  • social skills
  • social isolation
  • alternative activities
  • outdoor activities
  • family interaction
  • mental health issues
  • educational programs
  • problem-solving games
What to do next:
Look at other essays: