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Band 3

Bina celebrity such as famous film star sports personality drinks problem as well as benefit to you think that being a celebrity bring some more benefits are more problem?

#bina #celebrity #film #star #sports #personality #drinks #benefit
In today's
media driven
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media-driven
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 world
celebrity
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celebrities
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comes
Correct subject-verb agreement
come
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 under immense public attraction and
scrunity
Correct your spelling
scrutiny
this
 allure of fame brings problems
as well as
benefit
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benefits
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 is well agreed by everybody. I personally believe that
this
 brings more benefits to society and
individual
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individuals
show examples
.
To begin
 with, film stars or
sport
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sports
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 personality are always
major
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a major
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 attraction to the public which can
benefit
 in
number
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a number
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 of different ways as they are public
figure
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figures
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 they tend to get larger financial
benefit
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benefits
show examples
 through sponsorship and advertisement from
different
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the different
a different
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product
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products
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 which is a side income
Add the comma(s)
, for example,
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for example
virat
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Virat
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 Kohli famous Indian cricketer who earns
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
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millions of dollar only by sponsorship from puma company and
additionally
 with the earnings as salary is separate from it so
its
Replace the word
it's
it is
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 clear by above celebrities are benefited
In
Change preposition
On
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contrary
Correct article usage
the contrary
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, despite some unusual events captured
in
Change preposition
on
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camera
Add an article
the camera
a camera
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 cannot be considered
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
every time comes under security as
this
 can happen to anybody in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
daily life they are the leaders of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society and able to earn allure through hard work and
additionally
 there earnings are in millions of dollar, considering rarer events are ill presented and needs to be
sensored
Correct your spelling
censored
sponsored
 by authority
To conclude
 it's true that
celebrity
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celebrities
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 earn allure through their hard work which is beneficial to
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
as well as
 society some rare events can be considered disadvantageous so celebrity brings more
benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
show examples
.
Submitted by piratijaiswal1992 on

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task response
The essay should more clearly address both the benefits and the problems associated with being a celebrity, providing balanced arguments on both sides to fulfill the task requirements completely.
task response
The ideas need to be more clearly articulated and expanded upon. Some sentences are unclear and need to be rephrased for better comprehension.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to use clear and understandable transitions between paragraphs and ideas to improve cohesion.
coherence and cohesion
The essay should have a clear and consistent structure, with well-defined paragraphs for each main idea or argument.
task response
You have provided relevant examples to support your argument, which strengthens your response.
coherence and cohesion
The essay includes an introduction and a conclusion, which creates a complete structure.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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