IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. Write at least 250 words.

#countries #service #men #school #idea #system #women
Militarization
Correct article usage
The militarization
show examples
 of cultures has become stronger
due to
 the growing conflicts all around the world.
Due to
this
 fact, many
countries
 have mandated that all
school
 graduate males must provide military service after completion of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school
.
In addition
 to that, it should be
implimented
Correct your spelling
implemented
 worldwide and females could be included too.
However
, I strongly disagree
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
this
 notion. In
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I will explain my statement. When a student finishes
school
, they are in their most creative years, which is essential for their future career.
This
 is the most enthusiastic time
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 when they can try out different interests. Even if they fail at
this
 time, they can go and pick up another career path which is quite difficult in
late
Correct pronoun usage
their late
show examples
 20s or 30s. Military services can cause serious mental and bodily injuries at the
begining
Correct your spelling
beginning
 of their professional career.
For example
,
United
Correct article usage
the United
show examples
 States is experiencing a mental health crisis
due to
post traumatic
Add a hyphen
post-traumatic
show examples
 stress disorder among veteran soldiers from wars
as well as
 disability and homelessness is through the roof among them.
This
 culture can not only
destroys
Correct subject-verb agreement
destroy
show examples
 a
persons
Change noun form
person's
show examples
 life
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 can
poses
Change the verb form
pose
show examples
threat
Correct article usage
a threat
show examples
 to the utopia of a
peacefull-one
Correct your spelling
peaceful-one
 world theory. Compulsory recruitment can only feed
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the growing fire of
enomosity
Correct your spelling
animosity
 among nations. It creates resentment among citizens towards conflicting
countries
. If
this
 continues, achieving world peace will remain a dream.
For example
, the tension between India and Pakistan started as a struggle
of
Change preposition
between
show examples
 two political
party
Change to a plural noun
parties
show examples
 and
army
Correct article usage
the army
show examples
,
however
, now it has turned into morbid
hatered
Correct your spelling
hatred
 between
people
Correct article usage
the people
show examples
 of both
countries
 with no
possiblity
Correct your spelling
possibility
 of harmony on the horizon. In
summery
Correct your spelling
summary
show examples
, a lot of nations
impliment
Correct your spelling
implement
 mandatory military recruitment after
school
 and some people want to make it universal. But
this
 can ruin a
persons
Change to a genitive case
person's
show examples
 life
as well as
 any promise of unity among these
countries
 in the future.
As a result
, I believe, military services should not be forcefully enforced.
Submitted by mostakahmedfaysal on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure your essay has a clear and concise thesis statement in your introduction that explicitly states your main argument. This will help the reader understand your position from the outset.
task achievement
Consider developing your main points more thoroughly with additional specific examples and evidence to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on refining your transitions between paragraphs to improve the overall flow and coherence of your essay. This will make it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
coherence cohesion
Proofread your essay for minor grammatical and typographical errors to enhance clarity and readability.
coherence cohesion
You have effectively structured your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. This helps in maintaining a logical structure throughout.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the task prompt comprehensively, discussing both the pros and cons of compulsory military service in a balanced manner.
task achievement
You have included relevant examples to support your main points, making your argument more persuasive and grounded in reality.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Compulsory
  • Military service
  • Conscription
  • Patriotism
  • National security
  • Social equality
  • Discipline
  • Physical fitness
  • Life skills
  • Job training
  • Infringement
  • Conscripts
  • Gender equality
  • Mandatory
  • Economy
  • Education system
  • Labor market
  • Civil service
  • Alternative forms
  • Balanced view
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!