IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3

The graph demonstrates the percentage difference in home availability in UK homes.

#percentage #difference #home #availability #uk #homes
The graph demonstrates the percentage difference in home availability in UK homes. There are
trend
Fix the agreement mistake
trends
show examples
 of growing
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
variety
Correct article usage
a variety
show examples
 ways of
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.Cd player, as the most
affortable
Correct your spelling
affordable
 technology, did not show the highest growth, the indicator of 60% for the entire period became higher than 80%.
In addition
, the growth was stable, with only small jumps.The same can be seen in the case of home computers, which had access to only 30%, but by the end of the selected
period
Add a comma
period,
show examples
 they were close to 60%.
By contrast
, there are mobile phones that have developed unstably, giving out different indicators of popularization.Being one of the most uncommon devices,
at the end
 of the term, a confident 70%
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 achieved.The CD player has always been the most accessible, but the lowest percentage of all time belongs to Internet access.The first data of 10% availability were given a year later than the rest.
This
 technology has shown the best quality growth, more than 4 times. The table provides visibility of an increase in demand for equipment over a specified time period
Submitted by dnm.best on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear, distinct point or focus. Your second paragraph discusses the stable and unstable growth of different technologies, but the ideas could be organized more clearly.
coherence cohesion
Add a clear conclusion summarizing the graph’s overall trends. You end somewhat abruptly without a closing remark that ties together your observations.
task achievement
Improve the introduction to give a more comprehensive overview of what the graph shows. Mention the specific technologies compared (CD player, home computers, mobile phones, and internet access).
task achievement
Provide more specific data points and comparisons, if possible, to support your observations. For example, compare the growth rates of CD players and home computers more clearly.
language
Work on sentence structure and grammar. There are several small errors that affect readability. For instance, 'trend of growing with variety ways of it' is awkward and unclear.
task achievement
The essay captures the rising trends in technology adoption over the period well.
task achievement
You’ve used specific data points to illustrate your points about technological growth.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: