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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The line graph shows the number of newly graduated students in the UK, while the bar chart compares their proportions in five different jobs occupied by them in 1992, 1997, and 2002.

The line graph shows the number of newly graduated students in the UK, while the bar chart compares their proportions in five different jobs occupied by them in 1992, 1997, and 2002.
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The line chart shows the
quantity
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of recent
graduates
Use synonyms
 in the UK,
while
Linking Words
 the bar chart gives information about their proportions in five different
jobs
Use synonyms
 occupied by them in 1992, 1997, and 2002. The first graph illustrates an increasing tendency in the amount of new
graduates
Use synonyms
 approximately from 170,000 in 1992 to 180,000 in 2002. The number of
graduates
Use synonyms
climbs
Wrong verb form
climbed
show examples
 up in 1997, amounting to 195,000, after which the period from 1997 to 2002
witnesses
Wrong verb form
witnessed
show examples
 a slide to below 190,000. The proportion of professional
jobs
Use synonyms
 chosen by
graduates
Use synonyms
 comes top with nearly 60% in 1992. It
keeps
Wrong verb form
kept
show examples
 a significant decline to 40% in 2002,
while
Linking Words
 it still accounts for the largest part of
graduates
Use synonyms
' selected
jobs
Use synonyms
. The percentage of managerial and administrative
jobs
Use synonyms
 faces
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 similar situation, which has a slight decrease from 20% in 1997 to 18% in 2002.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the proportions of clerical and secretarial,
sale
Fix the agreement mistake
sales
show examples
 and other
jobs
Use synonyms
 show the growth. The percentage of clerical and secretarial is the third
most
Correct word choice
highest
show examples
, at 10% in 1992.
Then
Linking Words
, it
experiences
Wrong verb form
experienced
show examples
 a dramatic increase, almost doubling to 20% in 1997. Sales
jobs
Use synonyms
 are chosen at least in 1992, at 5%. But there is a moderate growth to 10% in 2002, when it achieves
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 similar proportion of other
jobs
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, the
newly
Correct quantifier usage
number of newly
show examples
 graduated students in the UK keep increasing from 1992 to 2002. In the meantime, they lower their
favor
Change the spelling
favour
show examples
 in professional
jobs
Use synonyms
 which are still
mainstreams
Fix the agreement mistake
mainstream
show examples
.
Additionally
Linking Words
, more
graduates
Use synonyms
 choose clerical and secretarial,
sale
Fix the agreement mistake
sales
show examples
 and other
jobs
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Vocabulary: Replace the words graduates, jobs with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportions" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "growth" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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