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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Nowadays, more people move away from their friends and families for work. Do advantages outweight the disadvantage?

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Several individuals, driven by the notion of success, are enticed to study and work abroad
due to
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 its
favorable
Change the spelling
favourable
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 outcomes. Albeit many
people
Use synonyms
 argue that the family should be the top priority, and,
therefore
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, should be chosen
first,
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the proponents of the concept of moving abroad underscore its benefits.
This
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 essay explores the reasons why some
people
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 underline the downsides of working abroad
,
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apply
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 and advocates for the rationales for its positive outcomes. On the one hand, several developed nations provide a huge platform for higher studies and jobs.
In other words
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, not only do individuals are able to study in renowned educational institutes, but
also
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 are able to improve their career prospects.
For instance
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, students and workers who travel to
the
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apply
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regions, well-known for their first-class education and job enterprises, not only do they secure better work positions in famous firms, but
also
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 live a better quality of life.
Hence
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, it is evident that seeking
opporunities
Correct your spelling
opportunities
 in other nations improves future projections of life.
Furthermore
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,
people
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 who work remotely experience globalisation. To clarify, since multicultural societies are ubiquitous in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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developed countries,
indivauals
Correct your spelling
individuals
 who live here temporarily, are exposed to the
diveristy
Correct your spelling
diversity
 of
people
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 at the workplace, which, despite
of
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apply
show examples
all the differences, instils
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 sense of collaboration in them. To cite an example, students in many
countires
Correct your spelling
countries
 learn to conform and adhere to the rules of respecting
people
Use synonyms
 belonging
from
Change preposition
to
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 various cultural backgrounds, which plays a major role in cultivating their persona.
Therefore
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, in order to broaden the horizons of earning, it is imperative to interact with
variety
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a variety
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 of
people
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 and inculcate their values.
On the other hand
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, moving away from the motherland
also
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 implies
to
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apply
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distancing from culture and religion. To elaborate on
this
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, many
people
Use synonyms
 either abandon their culture
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 or cannot participate in their traditional festivals.
For example
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, owing to high travel
cost
Fix the agreement mistake
costs
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 and packed
schedule
Fix the agreement mistake
schedules
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, many workers and students cannot visit their families and friends on
occasions
Fix the agreement mistake
occasion
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, which, inarguably, has repercussions on the emotional state of the individuals and their families. In
this
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 manner, it is obvious that
people
Use synonyms
 residing in other places
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
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miss many festivities and merriments. In conclusion, despite the enhanced
employement
Correct your spelling
employment
opportunites
Correct your spelling
opportunities
 offered by numerous countries, one of the pitfalls of being outside the home country is that there is a high chance of forgetting cultural norms. Notwithstanding, the benefits of enrollment in
such
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 nations always outweigh its drawbacks when it comes to improving standards of living and earning high compensation.

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clear comprehensive ideas
Your ideas are generally clear, but there are minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasings. For example, in the sentence 'Not only do individuals are able to study...', remove 'do', so it reads 'Not only are individuals able to study...'.
logical structure
Some sentences are quite complex and could be simplified for better readability. For instance, 'Hence, it is evident that seeking opportunities in other nations improves future projections of life' could be simplified to 'Hence, seeking opportunities in other countries improves future life prospects.'
supported main points
Though your arguments are well-supported, using a wider range of transition words would make your essay flow more smoothly. Words such as 'moreover', 'consequently', and 'therefore' can help link your ideas better.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction does a good job setting the stage for the discussion, and your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points.
relevant specific examples
You have included relevant examples to support your main points, which adds to the credibility of your arguments.
complete response
Your essay provides a well-rounded discussion of both the advantages and disadvantages of moving away for work, showing a balanced view on the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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