More people today put their personal and private information online (address, telephone number, credit card number) to do everyday activities such as banking, shopping, and socializing. Is this a positive or negative development?

Nowadays, with the development of technologies, people tend to put their personal and private
information
online to serve all activities
such
as baking, shopping online, or socializing. In my opinion, there are more drawbacks than benefits and
this
essay will present some reasons why I am convinced by that statement. On the one hand, admit that putting personal and private
data
in
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on
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the Internet is very useful for users. First of all, when opening a bank account or doing administrative paperwork is very complicated and annoying.
Therefore
, updating personal
information
can help residents save time when carrying down these things. Another benefit is that
this
makes signing in to these accounts easier for inhabitants.
For example
, when someone
need
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needs
show examples
to try to sign into a bank account during an emergency. They can use their
data
which has been updated to sign at fast speed
instead
of choosing security questions or remembering the key number.
On the other hand
, there are some problems
need
Correct pronoun usage
that need
show examples
to be paid attention to.
First,
it is not safe to publish private
data
online. Hackers can easily
stole
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steal
show examples
people's
information
to serve their bad aims like
stoling
Correct your spelling
stealing
money from banks, online fraud, or spreading fictitious
information
.
In addition
, sometimes, there are lots of humans who are really free to make prank calls.
Therefore
, some residents are annoyed every time. In conclusion,
although
there are some advantages when putting
information
online,
but
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apply
show examples
in my view, the drawbacks still outweigh them. People need to be careful when updating their
data
in
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on
show examples
the Internet.
Submitted by ieltswritingpracticedl on

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coherence and cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph develops one clear main idea and is logically connected to the next. This will help to create a more fluid and structured essay.
task achievement
For a higher task achievement score, try to provide more specific examples and elaborate on your points. This will make your argument more compelling and clearer.
general
Watch out for grammatical errors and awkward phrases, such as "carrying down these things" and "stoling money." Improving grammatical accuracy will enhance clarity and make a better impression.
coherence and cohesion
The essay clearly presents both sides of the argument and provides a well-written introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
You have identified several relevant points for both the positive and negative aspects of sharing personal information online, which addresses the question comprehensively.

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