IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

More people today put their personal and private information online (address, telephone number, credit card number) to do everyday activities such as banking, shopping, and socializing. Is this a positive or negative development?

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Nowadays, with the development of technologies, people tend to put their personal and private
information
Use synonyms
 online to serve all activities
such
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 as baking, shopping online, or socializing. In my opinion, there are more drawbacks than benefits and
this
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 essay will present some reasons why I am convinced by that statement. On the one hand, admit that putting personal and private
data
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in
Change preposition
on
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 the Internet is very useful for users. First of all, when opening a bank account or doing administrative paperwork is very complicated and annoying.
Therefore
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, updating personal
information
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 can help residents save time when carrying down these things. Another benefit is that
this
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 makes signing in to these accounts easier for inhabitants.
For example
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, when someone
need
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needs
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 to try to sign into a bank account during an emergency. They can use their
data
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 which has been updated to sign at fast speed
instead
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 of choosing security questions or remembering the key number.
On the other hand
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, there are some problems
need
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that need
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 to be paid attention to.
First,
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it is not safe to publish private
data
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 online. Hackers can easily
stole
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steal
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 people's
information
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 to serve their bad aims like
stoling
Correct your spelling
stealing
 money from banks, online fraud, or spreading fictitious
information
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.
In addition
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, sometimes, there are lots of humans who are really free to make prank calls.
Therefore
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, some residents are annoyed every time. In conclusion,
although
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 there are some advantages when putting
information
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 online,
but
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apply
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in my view, the drawbacks still outweigh them. People need to be careful when updating their
data
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in
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on
show examples
 the Internet.

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coherence and cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph develops one clear main idea and is logically connected to the next. This will help to create a more fluid and structured essay.
task achievement
For a higher task achievement score, try to provide more specific examples and elaborate on your points. This will make your argument more compelling and clearer.
general
Watch out for grammatical errors and awkward phrases, such as "carrying down these things" and "stoling money." Improving grammatical accuracy will enhance clarity and make a better impression.
coherence and cohesion
The essay clearly presents both sides of the argument and provides a well-written introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
You have identified several relevant points for both the positive and negative aspects of sharing personal information online, which addresses the question comprehensively.
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