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Writing Samples
Band 7

Nowadays, children watch a lot of TV and play video games. However, some think that these activities are not beneficial for a child’s mental health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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These days, young adolescents watch a lot of television and play virtual reality
games
Use synonyms
.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, some people think that these activities are not beneficial for the younger generation’s mental health. I partially agree with
this
Linking Words
 assumption, and in
this
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 essay, I will shed light as to why. On the one hand, it is important to note that, no matter what anyone says, televised
games
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 will always promote violence and aggression.
Thus
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, if someone encourages
video
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games
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 for a younger audience,
such
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 as GTA developers or COD creators, they are prominently wrong. No matter how much someone tries to shield their child from violence, if the adolescent has friends, they will still be able to gain access to
such
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games
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. Cyberbullying is
also
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 a serious issue when it comes to these types of
games
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. Suicide rates increase as teens continue to play violent and toxic
games
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.
On the other hand
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, mental health issues can be easily triggered by other symptoms in a teenager’s daily life;
thus
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, blaming it only on
games
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 is not an option. An erudite parent would conceptually look at the other factors, including
video
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games
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.
Video
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games
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 help a child socialize with kids their age. Of course, there are predators everywhere, but the beneficial factor would be that the adolescents are socializing and making international friends with the same hobbies as them. In conclusion, it is safe to say that
video
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games
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 are in fact a virus that only grows bigger whenever one tries to stop them.
Thus
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, always looking at the problem from two sides is the safer and more humanitarian option.

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task achievement
Try to elaborate more on each point with clear examples to improve clarity and support for your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph logically follows the previous one, providing a smooth flow of ideas.
introduction conclusion present
Strengthen your introduction by giving a brief overview of the points you will discuss.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
The ideas are mostly clear and you have addressed both sides of the argument.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cognitive development
  • exposure to violence
  • addiction
  • reduced physical activity
  • hand-eye coordination
  • strategic thinking
  • multitasking skills
  • moderation
  • parental guidance
  • balanced approach
  • screen time
  • social interaction
  • sense of community
  • social skills
  • social isolation
  • alternative activities
  • outdoor activities
  • family interaction
  • mental health issues
  • educational programs
  • problem-solving games
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