IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Most high-level positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50 percent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women. To what extent do you agree? Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#positions #companies #men #workforce #countries #percent #percentage #women #answers
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There are some
countires
Correct your spelling
countries
 where more than 50
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of their workforce is filled by
women
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, the higher position at companies does not
reflected
Change the verb form
reflect
show examples
 the same percentage. I believe that special
quaotas
Correct your spelling
quotas
quotes
 should be an option to create
gender
Use synonyms
 equality inside
oldest
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an oldest
the oldest
show examples
business
Fix the agreement mistake
businesses
show examples
 or
predominant
Change the word
predominantly
show examples
 male industries. These days is more clear how systemic discrimination works. Not long ago
women
Use synonyms
 were seen as less than men. It has been a long fight for
Use synonyms
Women
Change noun form
Women's
show examples
rigths
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rights
,
wich
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which
show examples
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 relatively new to
society
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the society
show examples
.
That is
Linking Words
 why, It is
neccesary
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necessary
 to
promotes
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promote
show examples
gender
Use synonyms
 equality and destroy
sexiest
Correct article usage
the sexiest
show examples
 ideas about
gender
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 roles. The oldest companies may struggle with these ideas of
gender
Use synonyms
, inclusion and diversity. So it is important to
provided
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provide
show examples
 a
safety
Replace the word
safe
show examples
 environment for all despite their
gender
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. Practical solutions
such
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 as
quotas
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 that allow
women
Use synonyms
 to be
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 top
possitions
Correct your spelling
positions
 need to be created.
However
Linking Words
, it is
neccesary
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necessary
 to be
carefull
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careful
 with these allocations.
Women
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 and men need to have a fair competition. Merit must be part of the decision making
specially
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especially
show examples
 in
possitions
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positions
 with higher
responsability
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responsibility
.
Otherwise
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 preference will lead to resentment among men creating a problematic work environment.
Additionally
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,
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
quotas
Use synonyms
 should
be create
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be created
show examples
 like a transit
excersice
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exercise
. It is required to
created
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create
show examples
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
selection criteria based on skills that will replace the
quotas
Use synonyms
 once
gender
Use synonyms
 systematic
discrimation
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discrimination
 is
erradicated
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eradicated
.
To conclude
Linking Words
, I believe that
have
Wrong verb form
having
show examples
quotas
Use synonyms
 inside some companies will help to finish with
gender
Use synonyms
 discrimination.
However
Linking Words
, there are some drawbacks
such
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 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 possible tokenism where the positions will be
field
Replace the word
fielded
show examples
 not for merit. So, it is important to use
this
Linking Words
 as a temporal system. The goal is
created
Change the verb form
to create
show examples
 a criteria system free of
gender
Use synonyms
 discrimination and focus
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 merits.
Submitted by estefaniamn2014 on

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coherence cohesion
Work on logical structure to ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. It seems like there's a jump between the idea of historical discrimination and the practical implementation of quotas.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are both present, which is good. However, make sure the conclusion clearly summarizes the main points raised in the essay.
task achievement
Your main points are generally supported, but there could be more concrete examples. For instance, you could mention specific companies or countries where quotas have been implemented successfully.
task achievement
You have a clear response to the task and have addressed both sides of the argument to some extent. However, expanding on the negative aspects of quotas with more specific examples could strengthen your argument.
task achievement
You did well to address the complicated issue of gender quotas in the workplace and provided a balanced viewpoint, considering both the advantages and potential drawbacks.
coherence cohesion
Good job including an introduction and conclusion, which frame the essay and provide a sense of completeness.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • gender equality
  • inclusive culture
  • systemic discrimination
  • diversity
  • tokenism
  • merit-based
  • quota
  • resentment
  • divisive
  • competence
  • leadership styles
  • workforce demographics
  • high-level positions
  • representation
  • nurturing talent
  • corporate world
  • historical imbalance
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