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Writing Samples
Band 6

The chart below shows the percentage change in the share of international students among university graduates in different Canadian provinces over a period of 5 years.

The chart below shows the percentage change in the share of international students among university graduates in different Canadian provinces over a period of 5 years.
#percentage #change #students #university #graduates #canadian #provinces #period #years
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The chart represents
international
Correct article usage
the international
show examples
students
 percentage among university graduates in Canada over 5 years. New
Brunswick
 stood in the first rank of international
students
 share
compare
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 to the other Canadian
Universities
.
Whereas
 Ontario has the minimum proportion of international
students
 over the periods.
To begin
 with, the graph
depict
Change the verb form
depicts
show examples
 9
universities
 with the most and the least international
students
 in 2001 and 2006. In 2001, New
Brunswick
has
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
 the most international
students
,
following
Wrong verb form
followed
show examples
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 Nova Scotia and Quebec with over
than
Change preposition
apply
show examples
5%.
While
 the rest of
universities
Correct article usage
the universities
show examples
 namely Alberta, British Columbia, Manitoba, Newfoundland and Labrador and
lastly
 Ontario
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 the least of international
students
Change the noun form
student
show examples
 population with just less than 5%.
However
, the
overall
 of international
students
 percentage in 2006 rapidly
growing
Wrong verb form
grew
show examples
.
Still
Add a comma
Still,
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
first place, New
Brunswick
 leads the bar graph of the
students
 with over
than
Change preposition
apply
show examples
10%
students
Change preposition
of students
show examples
. Nova Scotia and British Columbia ranked after with just a little bit over
than
Change preposition
apply
show examples
10%. The
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
universities
 still maintained and experienced an
increasement
Correct your spelling
increase
 in the graph with more than 5% growth
overall
. In conclusion, between 2001 and 2006 there
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 still an increase in the international
students
Change the noun form
student
show examples
 population.
Nevertheless
, New
Brunswick
 always ranks
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
first among
another
Replace the adjective
another university
other universities
show examples
universities
 during the periods,
whereas
 Ontario placed
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the bottom with the least population.
Submitted by debbychrist10 on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "overall, whereas".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words students, brunswick, universities with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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