IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 1.5

female unemployment rates in the four countries of the UK

#unemployment #rates #four #countries #uk
There was a noticeable struggle in finding a
work place
Correct your spelling
workplace
show examples
 among women during
years
Correct article usage
the years
show examples
 2013-2014 in four countries of the United Kingdom. Every country has gone through a decrease in the percentage of unemployed women except for Scotland
with
Correct your spelling
which
show examples
 an
adverse
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
.
Highest
Add an article
The highest
show examples
 rate of jobless women in
year
Change the article
the year
show examples
 2013
has been
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 detected to be in England
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
 6.8% , in comparison to Wales with the lowest rate of 5.4% .
Although
 England and Wales had a sharp difference in the numbers, both countries have experienced a gradual decrease
whithin
Correct your spelling
within
 the given year. No matter the change , England remained
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
one of the highest at a time, leaving Wales to stay still as the second lowest in 2014.
Meanwile
Correct your spelling
Meanwhile
, Scotland
achieves
Wrong verb form
achieved
show examples
 a sudden increase
by contrast
 with
Northen
Correct your spelling
Northern
 Ireland
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 only declined drastically in 2014.
Submitted by dnm.best on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
To improve the logical structure of your essay, make sure to arrange your points in a clear, logical order. For instance, you can first specify the rates for each country for 2013 and then move on to 2014 for each country.
coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a formal conclusion that summarizes your key points. Add a conclusion to reinforce the overall trends witnessed.
task achievement
Provide more detailed comparisons and contrasts between the countries. Delving deeper into why Scotland's rate increased while others decreased could enrich your essay.
task achievement
Your essay would benefit from adding specific statistics or percentages for the year 2014 for a more comprehensive analysis.
task achievement
You've done a good job identifying the key trends in female unemployment rates among the four countries.
task achievement
Your main points are generally clear and you have used relevant data to support your observations.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a good base structure with an introduction and body paragraphs, touching on vital points for most of the sections.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: